La Mia Bella Vita

Good bye sweet chance

2010-10-15T13:15:00.001-07:00

HOLA,

I've been thinking quite a lot about this guy i met randomly at a festival market one day.

I know i draw myself a bubble of trying so hard not to show it but i think i do quite a lot.

I wish there was something about him that i can say i hate and that would make it so much easier for me to forget that he is worth liking. Its just his personality, his voice and the fact that he is so charming and innocent enough. Plus he is one of the few virgins i actually know. Ok that seems like i'm on a virgin scout but seriously. He has what i see in a guy. Probably because he met the mark that SW has engraved in my heart. What can i say that is bad about him except that he lied to me ytd.

No that didn't make me angry. It just made me sad of why he did that. Maybe he really likes her?! I kinda suspected. He chases me off by going "nytnyt" and i feel so horrendous. I feel unwanted. I feel like a nuisance and he probably is regretting ever to hop onto my project. He should have known earlier. I can't make it up to him cause he won't let me. He will think its my excuse of wanting to ask him out. when in fact i feel so sorry for even having him there. He should not have said yes no matter how nice he is.

Ok so i accept the fact that i would not be able to have him as my man. Never in my dreams Never ever.

I build so much philosophies about love and how i feel about it but when i actually face it, i am kept to being in denial and also within and what i call - fear. Fear of rejection and lack of boldness to even step out and try. I have so many questions and i hate being those insecure woman! It does not work that way. I tell Amanda Yu and even my best friend what love should be like but am i in fact the one calling the kettle black??

Should i use this so called "emo-ness" and channel it to writing music and doing a few songs that could birth out of these experiences? Or should i just keep thinking about it and feeling all sorry for myself that i'll never ever be able to get the right guy?! Should i be letting God take care of such things that only he can control? Maybe i should just leave it at his feet and let him do whatever with my heart. I know he sees my desire but he has more plans for me that i would not even imagine.

So yes i should really give up on this guy and know that we can never happen. I should really start focusing on what is good and what should be done. relationships that are meant to be two way and stuff would happen in its own time. No point rushing it really. Just let it be. The shoot is over so i should really thank God that i would not be seeing him at all. I should definitely keep myself from contacting him. Unless its really really needed. Like the project or the job.

This sucks really but i know i can focus on other things if i will myself to. Tonight it would be just going to cell and spending time with God, then head home for some sleep. Wake up tmr early and head to church, plus try to do some work if possible during lunch break or even tea break. Sunday would be a day of making props. Which is kinda hard but i'll pull through. I wish i could put this on my blog but my classmates would definitely know what is going through in my mind and start being retarded. Ok. i should rest before i reach i think. planning to get dom chocies! :D i know he'll like it The boy loves chocolate and i miss him. Yup i've decided. thought with little money, I'll get him chocs. Its my way of saying i miss them and love them a lot. yup.

ok so here i'll state.

CG I'M GIVING UP ON LOVING YOU, I'M GIVING UP ON THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE NOT IMPT TO ME, YOU DON'T AFFECT ME AND YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER MAN WHO PASSES BY MY LIFE. YOU CREATED GOOD MEMORIES, I DON'T DENY. BUT AS I CAN NEVER HAVE THE SAME LOVE FROM YOU, I DON'T WANNA LET MYSELF DROWN FURTHER. YOU'RE AWESOME AND A BLESSING BUT I REALLY NEED TO SAY THIS. - GOOD BYE CG."

with much sadness, confusion, anger, tiredness and LOVE,

Jesse. - written while on the bus. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.

2010-02-10T03:25:00.001-08:00

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Your main type is 2
Your variant is social

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personality tests by similarminds.com

Experience with Music.

2009-11-30T20:06:00.000-08:00

Ytd was one hell of a stressful day. Or should i say the past three days.

I'm working on a film with a friend who is in NTU and i think she is an excellent director and i love her. I'm glad she placed me as an assistant director and if she is reading this,

"Babe you're doing a good job! Keep it up! Don't look back and regret! Its all coming along well. Love you dear!"

I'm gonna give her a hug tmr man! Cause i think she really needs it.

The past few days i've been making many many phone calls, bringing myself so low just to ask for help in this project. I know everyone wants to get paid but well.... this is a project that is not one that's sponsored and sometimes if they don't alrd know, getting the money is hard enough. People who don't work in the film line will know nothing about how hard it may get but yeah let me be the first to express. Firstly its really not easy.... money can solve everything but not everyone is that sweet and compassionate in this society so yeah. That explains my stress.

To those who offered to help here is my Gratitude to you...

For the Stand-in people.

Thank you Jeremiah, Andre, Derrick, Donna, Wei Bin, Lynne, Aaron and Roy Peng. You guys are so so important and indeed owe you all one! Thanks for taking this up last minute. I promise you that it would not happen so last minute ever again. I'll try anyways.

Seriously..... Jeremiah you are awesome volunteering even without pay and yeah.....

Andre, Gee you never fail to help me all the time since i met you on day 1 and i love love love you a lot bro. Really sad to know that you're leaving for abroad. Will miss you =) ah wells but i know you'll be back! You better if not........

Derrick.... thanks to you too. Even through the short time i know you, you've help me quite abit so yes i'm really grateful. If ever you need my help, i'll do everything in my means to help! that i can assure you.

Donna. OH MY GOD! you're so my bitch darling! you know, i know can alrd! We WILL go shopping and do our thing after that i assure you!

Wei bin and Lynne you both.... awesome couple. You helped me last year and you are helping me this year! I know that i can trust you both.... what will i ever do if i haven't met a blessing like you two! hahaha=)

Aaron and Roy Peng... the brothers i love so dear.... not that you know each other but thanks so much.... Aaron this would be a good experience for you boy for you can decide whether a not this is for you! Roy.... like a older brother i never had.... always looking out for me and making sure by nagging at me to sleep because you care. I appreciate your concern and i appreciate you as a person. God has really blessed me much by placing you and the rest of the cell into my life. Its just so awesome..... i can't believe i was so scared of you when i first met you... haha.... don't throw the chair at me k! kidding.

hahaha.... oh and to my make up artist! OMG WATI..... if you ever see this..... you are God provided.... a blessing... and i am so so so grateful that words cannot express how much i appreciate your services and help!

Yup that's the end of my Grateful list for now....

Sorry now i'm a little distracted.... the ice skating guy is way too hot for words..... and when he skates.... makes me miss my ice skating times... when i used to train until leisure park closed down for awhile. I still have my White Ice skating Boots and they still fit. can you believe that???? Anyone wanna go skating anytime soon???? i'll make time for that date! =) Freak!!! so distracting.... he is so so good! I'm at novena by the way! hahahahaa...... DISTRACTION..... he is dancing to Micheal Jackson! Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha.... ok cheekiness Off!

Ok now back to production.... Time for timeline.....

- woke up in the day to clear the house for viewing....

- Left the house to meet Ridz to discuss the production schedule and so forth.

- Met up, sat at coffee club at siglap and spend the whole afternoon being super
stressed. Making phone calls and asking around for a driver for the set, A truck and bus to rent, looking for Stand ins, and so forth... think i used up my whole phone air time.

- It got dark, we both had to head home for dinner and i knew i could no longer deal with it i needed to stress out. so we took the bus he left and i alone trying to destress with my music in my ears.

- While Listening i suddenly had a weird feeling.... You know when your heart feels like it dropped to ya stomach and its really heavy and you just wanna cry??!!! yeah i had that feeling. I didn't understand why either. NOt that i was super stressed but i suppose my heart and mind was crying out for personal me time. to sort my heart and mind out.

- After i got off the bus at tampines, I decided i needed a walk around. I was so tempted to spend money and i admit it was not easy.... i had to keep my hands off my wallet.... I just went window shopping, trying clothes on and not buying them.... just to get my mind off emotional stuff that i can't place down in words.... too personal.

- I got my virgin ring engraved again cause my other ring got all rusty and well it started giving me rashes..... so yeah.... got another one and told my friend i changed my ring so he can look out for me to keep me pure like how i'm keeping a look out for him too..... i explained before why being a virgin to me was most important.... wanna know more.... read my previous post like a few months back.... not very far... a few post back! =) title Virgin Rings.

- I then took a bus home and walked to the pool. Sat down on the tanning chair and closed my eyes. Such peace at 9pm.... with no one around the pool. I let my phone play the song "tears" by X-japan i i just broke down. I couldn't help myself.... i just felt so vulnerable and all i really longed for was to be hugged and to be told i'll be alright.

- As i played the song with my eyes close, I felt comforted. I felt as if someone was sitting beside me and just watching me cry but having that imaginary someone there was very comforting.... i don't know how to explain but but i opened my eyes.... no one was there... but i felt it anyway! i suppose its how music provides comfort. It was like a dream. Like how i had fun with the guy in my dreams... wasn't lustful. it was just having fun and enjoying the best out of life... even if its to the childish things like playing tag or catching some may call!

- I went to the club house to wash my face and headed home..... yup! and turned on my e buddy to rant and got hurt but picked up again by another friend as said in my previous post. so yeah! That was my day..... I thank God i have this day to write out all this.... think my next pitch and script would be on having a imaginary friend who exist in the world but they only meet in dreams.... ain't that like so cool??? Will let you know again after i worked on it. =) hahaha.

Gotta go now. Mummy is done..... till then....

I love you all who been a blessing to me.... don't judge me for being emotional and long winded to a certain extend.... i'm just like that.

Take care and know i love you even if the world thinks you don't deserve it.

Love,
Jesselene

current status...

2009-11-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

What i'm doing now????
- I'm having coffee @ coffee bean.
- Listening to Stephan Jerzak and Chase Coy's "Cute"
- Listening to Colin Hay's "I just don't think i'll ever get over you."
- And back to Chase Coy's other songs again. Love male vocals some how. haha.
- Planning my pitch
- Sneak Peeking down at the really cute guy instructor in the ice skating rink! Hot!

Ain't that just so awesome! ok that is random but oh wells i'm just waiting for mum as she went for her chemotherapy. So yeah! hanging around town without cash.... hm better to sit and have coffee and blog maybe. Take a break from working on my script for next year?!?

Ytd i had a good cry by the pool. GOd knows why i'm blogging about it but i plan to open my life to a certain extend here so i don't give a care on who reads it and who judges me. You may think its not very smart but well this is me. I'm the way i am and if you think its attention seeking or its like whatsoever then fine but yes! This is Jesselene Liew. The girl you thought you knew but no one knows me as well as i know not who! yup!

So as i was saying.... ytd after my production meeting with Ridz which ended on a high note because i wasn't ready to express in front of my always so cute, funny and nice producer, i kept my inner stressed feelings till later when i could be all on my own with just nature and me.

The day was stressed enough and my producer doesn't need to know that because he has loads to deal with alrd and the last thing i wanna do is to have my burden unto him. I rather take his burden actually cause i hate to see people stressed as well.

I love what i'm doing but i am just not prepared for it. And what really hurt me the most was when i was ranting to a friend about my stressed time, he told me this which really broke me inside. He said " who ask you to be so hero and take the job up?!"

OK i was not being hero! It all started when i approached ruyi, my director for an internship and somehow or another, I ended up being her assistant director. She was encouraging and told me that i could learn alot on set and seeing my passion, she said she believed in me that i could handle it and that it would be great to have me on the team.

Alright, thing is, i thought assistant director was not that bad.... i thought it would be like how it was in school which seemed really simple. guess what! the clouds fell.... it stormed. Its nothing near simple and easy! It was like a hell lot more harder then i thought. Don't get me wrong... i don't hate my job. I actually love it. But it just came too sudden as a shock to me and i'm really trying my best.

She was indeed right when she said that i would be able to learn a lot of things on set. Cause i feel like i'm thrown into the deep end and have to learn how to swim and i think although i am not experienced, i managed to pull it off pretty well. So well that my producer thought i was like a 3rd year student but actually i'm a 1st year student who is 3 mths in the course so far.

So why did my friend have to make such a comment. What kinda friend does that?! I don't blame him... maybe he didn't mean it that way... maybe he was really being a good friend who is honest and true to me and i really appreciate it. however i suppose i didn't wanna tell him how that hurt me. I could really use some encouragement then. it still kinda pierced my heart really. Like really deep and dashed my confidence.

However Zen came to the rescue and pulled me up by a bit. Zen is my classmate who well is one of the trusted fellows i have in class so far. He that really got me on my feet and i was motivated to proof myself good. I wanna do my best and let this big project be a success cause that would really help me with my confidence and add more drive to my fire of passion for the course as i'm not driven by money or talent but i'm driven always by passion. Most of the time i can't do it all on my own but God always never fail to put people in my life to pull me on the race and tell me that nothing is impossible that all i need is more fuel each time to get me going. yup! don't mind my analogy. the theory of it all always gets out of hand. ah wells.....

ok this is getting too long.... i will work on my ytd feelings on the next entry.

till then ( which is in a few minutes)....

with much much love,
Jesselene

2009-11-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Just a bunch of thoughts.

I miss someone today.
I miss the talks we had.
I miss the chats we had.
I miss the ideas we shared.
I miss the fun we get.
I miss ya laughter.
I miss you bullying me.
I miss you loving me.
I miss you knowing me.
I just miss all of you.
Every single bit.

But life consumes us. This reminds me of the song plainsunset...

It goes something like this.

When the rises again, i'll be there for you my friend. And i'll be there, looking over ya shoulder......do you miss me the way i miss you..... I wish that, you'll miss me, the way that i miss you.

Ok. Thoughts noted down. I'm tired. Good night.

Love you.
Jesselene.

All i ever wanted to do.

2009-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

Butterfly Fly Away
Artist(Band):Billy Ray Cyrus
Album: BACK TO TENNESSEE.

I would start with that video! I loved it and i'm planning to do a cover...needed someone to duet with though! hahaha. Below's the lyrics.

[Miley]
You tucked me in
Turned out the light
Keep me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

[Both]
Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly Fly Away

[Billy Ray]
I turned around and you were there
The two of us made quite a bet
Daddy's little girl was here at last (oh yeah)
Looked away and back again
Suddenly you was ten
Don't know how it got so far so fast
And you still don't understand
It's not anything we planned
Gotta makes you think it's ment to be (it's a destiny)
I always knew the day would come
You would stop crawling and start to run
Beautiful as beautiful can be

[Both]
Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly Fly Away
Butterfly Fly Away ([Billy Ray] Butterfly fly away)

[Miley]
Spread your wings now you can't stay

[Both]
Take those dreams and make them all come true
Butterfly Fly Away ([Billy Ray] Butterfly fly away)
We been waiting for this day
All along and know just what to do
Butterfly, Butterfly, Butterfly
Butterfly Fly Away
Butterfly Fly Away

[Billy Ray]
I hope you find your way
Of all the things you wish for love and care about

[Both]
Butterfly Fly Away
Butterfly Fly Away
Butterfly Fly Away

ALRIGHTS! TO BLOGGING!

Today i woke up late and enjoyed my sleep. I had a dream last night of my lecturer and i was all apologetic about not doing my essay well and not putting in enough effort in all my work due to my personal problems. I think i had that dream due to a talk i had with a rather good friend from class regarding my status in class of how i am not always with the people i once thought i was close to.

Honestly i have no idea of what happened to us and as much as i would love to find out what happened to us, no one is talking and all i could do now is try not to step on their tails twice. Not that there is a once but probably that is. I mean i think people move on and although my good friend told me that it was just an excuse, i wanna delude myself and look at it as a reason.

LESSON OF THE WEEK>>>>>

So yeah! I mean i have learned a lesson of not to let myself be too close to anyone. Cause it would hurt me so if anything was to happen. And as what my Late Godma Betty would say... Jesselene is a child that has to get her fingers burnt before she learns her lesson. Well, as that thought came to me last night, I looked into the sky and teared, Godma still knew me the best so far before i even figured it out. I miss her though.... i wish she was still alive.... I remember just running to her as a child and hugging her legs as she bent down and embraced me in her arms.... I love you Godma! i really miss you but i know you're in heaven! You have to be.... you're an angel!

Anyway this is what happens when i write... when i let my thoughts flow.. i do digress and back i'm here again.

I let myself be close to my babygirl Yings and when i lost contact with her, I knew that i loved her closer than a sister but life gets a hold of us and we kinda drifted. Things happened and i can easily say that we are not even close to the word close as all! We could be strangers but yet there is a bond that i know if i was in trouble, she would come and take care of me. I still love her though but i was really sad at this fact that we are not close anymore.

I was close to a bunch of friends that i held close and they were the brothers i never had but that disappeared too.... They loved me and pampered my like a little sister and i always liked that feeling because i never was pampered and i never really felt that love as much at home. But that disappeared as life moved on and well..... Bang! That was another sad thing.

I was close to my classmates last year and we were so happy... doing the stupidest things one can imagine but POOF! that went away too when i was the only one who went into film.

I was close to a bunch in film and i thought that this was it! This was the people that i would be hanging around with in school for the next two to three years but that disappeared too! Something happened and i have not knowledge of what. you can say "Jesselene why don't you ask?!" trust me! I have alrd done that! However no response was given.

It took me so long to even realized that i was repeating my mistake again and again like a blind dog. And i think somehow i would still repeat this cycle. Ask me why and i would tell you! That makes me ME! i have no idea why! I always love LOVE. i caps it because i meant it as the word. I love very easily and i guess that makes me always receive and feel emotional hurt. People would call me sensitive but i suppose that makes me who i am. I can never really hate one for too long unless it has scarred me deeply and as much as i want to muster the strength to forgive, it can take a couple of years to a decade.

ANYWAYSSSSS.......

BACK TO MY HAPPY MOOD TODAY!!!!

i was kinda bored so i picked up my remote control to the TV and turned on mio and watched something that i never thought i would have watched.... you guess??? ITS THE HANNAH MONTANA MOVIEEEEE......

I'm not being childish or whatsoever.... But i can say i liked it... It had a good story and it made me happy! The song above???? Was from there! It made me wanna go..."Howday!!! Take me to the country baby and we'll go horse riding to the mountains and watch the sun till mid day. You'll be with your guitar and we'll sing till evening. and take a nice stroll back to the stables."

A girl can dream can't she??? I meant me. To me the film was like doing an autobiography. Something which i have already done but this made me feel more than just happy.... it took me to the depths and up again. This is why i would call it a success.....

- to be continued as this was a post of a few weeks back! hahaha.....

All i want for Chirstmas is you!

2009-11-18T06:06:00.000-08:00

Let me start with this Vid. An awesome song that i found posted by a friend on facebook! Got it stuck in my head and now i'm wanting to do a duet with someone. I'm still in search for the right person i can start to duet with and write songs with! its my dream. And i really wish for it to come true. Really! i have yet to find that someone.... sigh...

God send me the right guy! ok sounds wrong but send me the right person that i can have the same level of connection in this field... know what is ideal??? to write and direct films and when a project is done, i still can relax and sing my heart away at the pubs and bars. Wouldn't it be just so lovely... Gig and films and just enjoying the wonders of life. That would be heaven for me. i mean here on earth. Here's another lovely song.... i'm not desperate but i wanna find someone to write and sing with.

Ah wells. In love with a dream. Sigh.... Shy that way!

Anyway here's my updates.

I'm in KL now and i'm not exactly enjoying myself but i am loving the little things in life. Here's a few things i love here and would make me miss this moments as i hate going back to reality.

1) I love just standing under the rain-shower and letting the water run over my naked body. And closing my eyes enjoying that surreal moment of listening to the echoing of the sound of running water from the wide shower head to the tippy tappy on the marble floor. OH with the touch of near hot water as it caresses my skin top to bottom. I can live with that really everyday, I know people will say... i'm the cause of the lack of water in this world. HACK! water takes up like most of the surface area of the world. But yes i know its the money concern! gee..... ah wells... living life like there's no tmr. The world is fortunate that i don't have a rain shower back home. only in this hotel.

2) After that lovely running of water..... there is a bathtub next to the shower in the toilet of this hotel and coming out and having a nice dip in the warm to hot tub of water is the best. Soaking there and pinching my nose going underwater. It feels so great. All i hear is the streaming of water and my heartbeat. Awesomeness..... all my busy thoughts go blank (shuts up) and i can think. i can relax after a few dips and feel like falling asleep in the tub but then it hits me.... there are others who needs a bathe too so i would have to get out after awhile and dry myself. hahaha.... shivers would be sent down my spine as i exit the bathroom in my boxers and sleeveless t-shirt into the chilly air conditioned bedroom. haha...

By the time you finish reading that i hope you didn't go all visual on me. Its just these little things in life that i appreciate and take full advantage of in hotels.... or even when i'm away on holidays....

3) I love jumping flat unto the bed and sinking my face into the nice feather-filled pillows. The cold sheets warming under my body! Ah the love of just rolling and tumbling on the queen size bed. hahaha of cause i share it with my mum but still today i was left alone on my bed when she was out. hahaha. then of cause you could have predicted i fell asleep with my dream catcher next to me.

ok so now you would have thought.... Jesselene is enjoying the hotel room more than the shopping. YES I AM!!!! the hotel seems so much more appealing to me really.... KL doesn't have much sights and sounds. hahaha. SO i LOVE LOVE LOVE the hotel.

Today i bought a book that was simply lovely and i read it all by late afternoon. In like 5 hours??? thats so amazing right? Its written by James Peterson! I forgot the title. Its about a girl who could never forget her imaginary friend even though he left her when she reached the age of nine. And she meets him for real when she is much much older and finds out that he is her true love of her life and yeah.I shouldn't spill too much of the story cause its awesome and you should go check it out. If this writer is alive in six to eight years time i would love to make his story into a film if he permits. Six to eight years gives me time to still make it in the industry. =) Hopefully!

ANYWAYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy...... can the "y" get any smaller??? chey! no fun! hahaha. ok anyway.... yeah i spent the while time alone in the room reading and stuff.... i love such times. so yes! NOW LETS SEE WHAT I BOUGHT.....

1) A film pendant which looks awesome. i love film without all the political shit! hahaha so that is my motivations.

2) A DREAM CATCHER TO WEAR ON MY NECK! YAY.....love love dream catchers and wind chimes. i'm a bohemian girly with a taste of some Rastafarian stuff. hehe. honey don't judge me... don't judge this beauty baby! you know her not!

3) I bought the book i told you about.

4) Hand accessory ???? still the bohemian baby you know.

what else is there???? nothing much.... today is my last day so yeah...i drag going home. I wanna another few more days here. Alrights gotta log off now.... before i nagged away from the com. hahahaa..... update soon! love you all

And i'm missing a few people this minute.
I'm missing, Lyana and Madinah
I'm missing Nabilah and Azlyn and Syaf
I'm missing Yings and shanker and the bunch of guys.

I'm missing.... the one from my dreams which i had a few weeks back and i want him to visit me again cause it made me happy! it made me not wanna wake up because he was awesome. hahaha

Alrights goodnights world!

Love always,
Jesselene

I have to write

2009-11-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

I have to Write! I cannot not write down my thoughts. I'll just explode. I don't have any idea what may come out but i guess i really need a space to blah it all out.

I'm just so frustrated at what's going on in life. School, my friends, my family, my cell group, church and even myself.

Its come to a point that i ask myself. Is it me? am i the problem??? Why doesn't it seem that anyone else is going through it. I mean i hate being broke all the time. The stupid money status of my life. I'm not asking to be rich. All I'm asking is to be in a state where i can think about everything instead of money money money money!

Like half the time I'm broke although people may not see it and well i compliment myself as a really good actress. And when i come home, i hear about bills, debts and about all sorts of things. when is it all gonna stop???

Half the time i go out i see something that is what i really like, a tiny thought would crop into my head and say "jesselene you have no money! no point asking mum or dad. You'll just gonna get another hearing. if not, mommy will start pawning jewelery again." And it hurts real bad knowing that my mum is pawning all the things mattered a lot to her. But how can i help??? i meaning school i try my best not to eat or snack too much. I hardly buy things for myself. I think i spend more on people than myself. I guess there's only a certain percent that we can actually go ahead and bless.....

I need a laptop currently cause its really driving me nuts having to come home to do my work and work late into the nights plus all the other inconveniences. But can i ask my parents for it??? NO! i can't cause i know they would not be able to afford it.

I needed a cam but i was too afraid to ask so i kept borrowing and thought of renting cause i can't always borrow as my classmates need their cams for their projects as well so i asked if i could just rent. My dad the calculations and thought that an investment would be much better compared to the amount of renting every now and then. So yes. I kept wondering where he got the money to get it and guess what! End up i found out that he is in debt because of it. I feel bad yes but what can i say now. Yes i appreciate it but half the time when i go out, it does not make me a proud owner of the cam when people ask about where i got the money to get the cam. I mean indeed my dad blessed me with it but would the world be able to look at it in that aspect?

I don't care if its Christians or not. I have my fair share of some christians who are plain liars and heartless pieces of crap! yes i know i don't have any right to judge but hack! this is how i feel now. They go to church eveyr week and they wouldn't even look us in the eye. What kinda cell mates are they??? And my parents are struggling to even go to church in fear that they may just bump into them. I shall not relate out the whole story as it may becom disrespect to my parents' personal space. Half the time my parents are like heys don't bring the cam, don't eat expensive and what's not. WHY? because PEOPLE ARE WATCHING..... yeah because they are watching. Does that mean then i have to always live like a Beggar?

I'm not mocking beggars. they are fine. I meant that's life as we know it and sometimes as much as we want play saviour of the world, we just can't.

I can literally memorize all the phrases used at home because of money and it comes to a point that we just break. Into anger, rage , hurt and sadness. I have yet to understand why this has to happen to my family. What have we done wrong midway. WHAT???!!! i wish i could rewind time to where i was born and when all things was still bright and beautiful and i can rmb being such a happy child and a ball of sunshine to everyone i met. I was so confident and sure of myself. Then what happened??? i BECAME HOW I AM TODAY.

I won't say its a good thing nor would i say its a bad thing. It just sucks to certain extend. I just hate the way things are. I hate it that my dad has gone into depression. I hate it that my mum is suffering. I hate it that my bro has to mature fast because of the situations at home. Its sad he never really had a fun childhood or teenage years like any other boy because our family is different. I hate it that i have lost my confidence and my life to what i have became.

Sure i have grown spiritually mature, but sometimes....i really wanna be a kid again. I wanna run around free like a bird. I would know not what money is, I would just play. I would have people telling me i would a man killer and that i was the most beautiful thing that happened to the world. but then,..... that has all disappeared. Is it because of me??? Am i a disappointment??? am i???

I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. I know music but i don't. i know art but i don't. i know everything but i don't. and i am smart but i am not. Am i confusing you? but that's how i feel. Its so unfair sometimes. I wish life took a different turn. I really want a breakthrough this Christmas. If only God would hear my cry and grant me this wish. I don't want to have lots of gifts or fakeness. I just want to be happy everyday. I want to be worry-free. I just wanna feel loved everyday instead of having to psycho myself to be happy. Its getting more and more tiring each day.

Who can i talk to? here??? even here, there's a limit. cause i have to be careful. And to God??? yeah sure but i guess its just different. I used to have a best friend but i guess she disappeared when we grew up and went our separate ways??? do i have a close bunch of friends?? yeah i do i suppose but they have gone with the wind. Is it their fault? NO! its not. cause that's life. What can i say? I'm just unhappy about it.

Today i hurt my mum with my words and actions.... who else have i hurt??? how can i just go up and sing as if everything is ok? how can i say its a happy day? I feel so unclean unside. So lost i can't continue. Till than people. Pray for me. Its getting really hard to stay on track. what you read here is only like 3 percent of what actually is like now.

I"m just so lost.

Jesselene.

2009-07-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a testimony that i have been waiting to have it shouted
out to the world to let the whole world know, let the whole world know.....
( sorry the song joy is the flag is in ma' head man! whoops ok and back to writing!)

As most of you know i have been working in in a shopping center under the sports department selling extremely overpriced bikinis which are designed and imported. yup! Sounds really good eh but not only that i was not really paid much. However that aside, i loved the fact that i was given the chance to interact with people and serve them. Really.... i love serving people even if they were most irritating cause that increases my level of patience. yup! No kidding.

As much as i dislike certain factors, i went ahead and stick to the job knowing i got accepted by God's grace and he had a purpose for me being there.

As time passed, somehow i begin to develop more dislikes than likes regarding my job as an retail assistant. It wasn't the customers or the colleagues i worked with although they did get on my nerves sometimes. Recently it was the boss. Yes now this is not gossip but i need you to understand why i hate it and how it turned out for good in the end.

I thought my boss as a really nice person although my colleagues did speak ill of her sometimes. In my heart i was thinking that they exaggerated and she couldn't be that bad. Almost all of them were afraid of her and it as a wonder to me why until recently when i was sent to the office to work with her in packing and preparing for the opening of Orchard ION because we were opening another shop there.

She was a total nightmare. She was the kind which even a NICE person like Gandhi or Mother Theresa would want to shove her head in the toilet bowl and flush it than bang it against the wall till her skull cracks like a the shell of the egg which we eat half boiled every morning. Yum! I'm kidding. Like ewww! ( i'm exaggerating but you get what i mean. )

I won't really say much about what she did but just know by what i described, she is that bad! I admire those who stuck with her so long. But as they say it was for the money and all they could do is gossip about it among themselves at lunch time. Which ain't that good.

Anywayyyy.... i tried my best to keep thinking what would Jesus do and smiled when the rest talked bad about her during lunch but it got to the point i had to let it out so i kinda blare and rant it all out on the phone during lunch to my dearest classmate Lyana who i am so grateful to for being sucha darling and letting my RAH it all out. Great friend babe! Love you!

Anyway i kept repeating
- "I hated my job and i wish i could get out of here if i could only find another job!"
- "Like what am i still doing here?"
- "Why species like hers was even born! Contaminating our world really. No wonder Earth needed saving."
- and yes alot of " OMG! ARGH! THAT ^&*^#$%& (&^*(&#&* BITCH !!!!!"

Now now, i know you guys would go "JESSE!!! Watch your language!" But i was that fed up and the bottle in me was shaken too hard that it just popped open like a champagne bottle.

That all happened on Thursday. She still wanted me to work the next day although she scheduled it as a day off when she did the schedule for everyone. I wanted to say ok as i pitied my colleagues and really wanted to help them so that i could share the load of stuff my boss was issuing to them and prevent further cursing and sarcasm. Boy she really needs a taste of her own medicine really.

BUT after that day i really needed and break so i decided to reject her request and said i couldn't shift my appointment just for her. I did apologize to my colleagues and told them that if they really needed help i can secretly come down when she was not there cause i don't want her to hold me back. She is doesn't pay me OT when she often holds me back Overtime. Probably accumulated like at least a day of OT! I do have a home to return to you know. So yup!

I called my bunch of school friends which i am grateful to God for even though i only knew them for 1 year! Awesome people. you guys make me happy! Yeah i planned to meet them for lunch and hang out after sending mum for BRT treatment. HAd an awesome time catching up by the way.

OKAY HERE'S THE AWESOME PART!

FRIDAY MORNING, 9AM @ AH MEI'S CAFE NOVENA HAVING BREAKFIES WITH MOMMY.
(Convo not to its exact words but the main points the same)

*phone rings
Jesselene: Hello?

Ms Hafizah: Jesse you busy?

Jesse: Nah what's up!

Ms Hafizah: when's your sch hols over?

Jesse: August! Why?

Ms Hafizah: You interested in coming back to school to help the students with art?

Jesse: (thinking.... not sure. got work leh! want to but no time! Sigh. sadness! )
YEAH. I don't mind.
( WAIT! WHAT DID I JUST SAY? CRAP!!!! oh no how???? mouth too loose! Darn!!! )

Ms Hafizah: ok can you come down tmr morning? I'll explain to you everything than. I'll probably talk to the principle about you being a temp/relieve teacher part time. is that ok?

Jesse: (OMG did she just say temp staff meaning i'm getting paid?) Did you just say relieve teacher?

Ms Hafizah: Yup! Gotta talk to the P first about your pay.!

Jesse: ok sure see ya in the morning! THANK YOU MRS ANWAR!!!!!! ( She's married now! hehe )

Convo ended! i scream in with my mouth open but with silence. This must have been a dream.

1stly, its chai chee. Didn't i say when i graduated I'm never stepping foot in the grounds of chai chee ever again?

2ndly, This must be God! really! And whats even awesome is that i didn't even pray, It was an awfully horrid feeling. as the day before cause i cursed and swear and that is absolutely sinful. A great Pang hit me. I felt darn guilty but it was a lesson learnt. WHY?

LESSON BECAUSE, firstly, God saw my heart. He knew me best, He heard the cries of my heart, felt and saw the hurt i went through with a smile, heard the curses she screamed at me when i didn't do it right innocently.

He knew exactly what i was thinking and although in my heart i longed and seeked for something better, i never spoke or asked him. But He still opened the door and embraced me in! And HE also FORGAVE ME. for the words i used. For the curses i screamed out. For the images and film i created in my mind. For the evil thoughts i gave in to while thinking. And HE LOVED ME EVEN WHEN I FELL AND STRAYED TO THE WORLD!!! How AWESOME is He.

I don't believe in fate, I don't believe that things just happen. I believe in Destiny, Purpose and Life. I am a believer of what i see, hear and feel vertically and horizontally.

So yup! Praise God.

My vow now to be a blessings to the students i meet. I know i am a carrier of love. Made unique and given the gift. Yes i know i am called. Maybe not to the nations yet.

AS the saying goes, Ministry starts from home. Although there is a literal meaning to it, I meant Singapore as Home. Its starts here and than to the nations. Now it starts from Me, My family, My friends, My school, the people i meet and the lives i have yet to encounter. God be my guide.

So that's my testimony. So far so good. My students are alright. only met a few as the rest are way too lazy but meeting them ALL tmr! bless them! For they are special is His Eyes!

Alrights! haha that's all! =) Will update on how school goes! YEEPEE!!!!!!

still a virgin till i meet my man.

2009-06-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ok Now here's the other post. wrote it last week but didn't manage to post it up so here it is.

I'm gonna start off with......

I'm so glad God gave me a priceless gift to give to my future husband. I seriously think the virgin ring is a good habit to cultivate to the younger ones.
Oh and by the way...
Virgin ring... You may be wondering what that is... Here's the explanation.

A person who is a virgin wears the ring as a reminder of the precious gift one holds and as a commitment as well.

The ring is worn on the married finger and is presented to the husband or wife during engagement as a symbol and gesture of one presenting themselves as virgins to their love one. Yup. I think that's so totally cool.

Preserving ya Virginity could be a hard battle but one worth fighting for to give the person who will share ya life with you till death. This meaning Both man and woman inclusive.

I Learned that yesterday through a very very meaningful and impactful sermon! ALL should go download it to listen. Its really good for both Christians and Non-Christians. Would post the link up here soon!

All i can say is i'm proud to still have that one priceless and utmost gift to give my love when its due time. =) I'm proud to be a virgin! yes yes yes! You think i'm crazy???? well well not that i despise the non virgins. I love them as normal people but think about it. to the still virgins....What value do you have left when you give someone a gift that can only be given to one and no one else. its not something that can be done again you know.

Unless Jesus heals you!

If you want to be a virgin again because deep in your heart you know that its pure! I can pray for you! Indeed even you can pray for yourself! Just believe and have faith cause i know i have faith that it can be healed! Be blessed this week all my loves. I'm gonna have a great time for the next two weeks at ssm and i can't wait!

More to come people. Love you all and rmb that i am always here if you need me. NEVER EVER think you're unloved cause there are people who care about you! You just have to open your eyes and your heart and you can find them! =) Yes??? Huggs to the world! =)

~ Jesselene ~

PS: i had an awesome time clearing my stuff today! found my old primary school hymn book and could not stop going through them again and again. Found old photos of my self, my friends and alot of letters and memories! no wonder i miss so many people. even those who are hardly close to me anymore.

PPS: Glad tom is back in Singapore. Welcome back! =) okies... time to sleep! need to be at church super early tmr! haha. love love all!

31st May 2009

2009-05-31T07:46:00.001-07:00

Hola! como estas everyone?

Its been awhile since i last blog and this always happens! i try to commit my time to doing this blog thing but as i mentioned previously. DAD has been controlling my time on the com which some may say ridiculous but i'll admit, i use the com to do everything except the necessary and all at home thinks its a darn waste of electricity ( and somehow i wonder why watching television is not cause know its always on till late for some reason!) So yup! but i'll update as much as i can!

lets start of with some really really GOOD NEWS!

I got into my First Choice which is FILM!!!!! so Yay! Its really God which made it happened!

Why i believe so??? Cause many of my classmates which were BETTER than me either failed, had to repeat another year or go for a second review. Most of them were actually better than meCache-Control: max-age=0

Fspan>. I admit that i didn't complete alot of my assignments, i sucked at some modules and i did work hard but not smart PLUS I procrastinate alot.

So to me chances of even getting through to the next level would be less than 10% cause most of my friends completed all their work and not only that. They were GOOD at what they do! Yeah sure i was good with my history, my skill in writing and also my creativeness but ask me to do 3d or like paint a really GOOD picture, I practically suck compared to those fine arts students. THAT was how bad things were.

But God was ever so faithful to me. He knew my heart and although i can say i was utterly discouraged when my family was not really into me pursuing film, i had friends who questioned me about whether this was what i truly desired which caused me to doubt myself cause i know i have lots of short lived passions or rather i have passion for lots of things and lacked focus. I have people telling me how hard the industry is and that i would not really survive if i was so nice and being the way i am i'll be pushed around easily and stuff. GOSH!!!!!

I was really really brought to tears cause i know this was what i wanted! I always wanted to tell express myself and i never ever got a chance to! I mean yes i write hundreds of poems and i composed my own personal songs, i dream alot and yes i wish that not only will i get to express it under hidden covers but people would be able to see it too!

And chances of me ever being a singer is very slim and if chances of my poems ever getting out there to create an impact in some lives are gonna be so small than shouldn't this be a chance for me??? To actually study film and learn the traits and start somewhere???? What makes it so difficult??? Why should i only express for myself to see when i could express and help those who are feeling the same way to know that they are not alone and that what i do could encourage the discourage, comfort the disheartened and bring joy to those who need it.

ANYWAYSSSSSS...... I am so so grateful to those who were there for me. That includes Nat and Joline and Joy and some others. Including my ex cell, my current cell and also the music min. They were so encouraging. And i thank God for working through them.

I was so discouraged for a week and just shared it with a couple of people and while they prayed for me, God gave such assurance by placing words in their hearts and giving them visions for me. It was hard for me to keep those tears from flowing out! And every week, the word FAITH kept appearing to me and also the whole DO NOT WORRY thing in the bible was being brought up many times. God surely doesn't let you go! He is indeed faithful. He has so much faith in me even when i was faithless. He never gave me up or let me down. Indeed he was a true father and friend.

I love you God and that's something my heart will always sing. I know that i sin and am not fit to even call myself a christian. But you! You brought me in, loved me, cared for me, Hugged me, Comfort me and kept me going. How am i to ever say i never felt love when love has always been there for me. Its quite hard to say i'm not a christian when i believe in Him. So even my own parents ask how can you ever call yaself a Christian or they can tell me to not bother going to church being the way i am but how can i do that???? Even when i wanna run away, His love for me draws me closer like a magnet! Oh Lord for that i thank you! I thank you for giving me what my heart desires and I pray with all my heart to have the " your thoughts is my thoughts." habit.

So Yes i got into film and i am so grateful!

Another thing i'll like to share is that recently I wish i had the chance to dance for my daddy. I don't mean the one on earth! I mean God. He is my true Father. Every time i worship, i play and visualize in my mind dancing for God.

Last week during service, when the pastor ask us to just soak and have a private time with the Lord, I was so so tempted to go back stage to really have a private space to dance for my Lord but i guess i just didn't dare get up and walk back stage and that was a flaw cause i was just not satisfied. This week when i worship, I really wanted to not be in the choir for once cause i wanted to worship God on the floor to have that personal time with him without worrying about stage presence and lack of space and embarassment. I wanted to be there on the floor at the corner just worshiping God using my own form of expression and with my own private space. But i just didn't dare to ask or even do it. I don't exactly know what i fear but i know my heart really wanted to make that connection with God.

Oh how i really long for that touch and time with my heavenly daddy.

Oh i have one last thing to share but i guess i'll write it in the next post. hahaha cause this is getting too long! so yup! Adios people. Hope you've been touched!

Oh and for those who think i'm a freak? i'm not ashamed to say i'm a Jesus freak! Really from what i said?? you can tell!

I don't think Christianity is a religion. I think its a love relationship with God. One which i never regret getting into and one that would never ever break my heart cause God is ever so faithful. Really! so yup! till the next post loves. =)

i'm missing people

2009-05-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I'm missing so many people like right now that i can cry!!!!!

I miss Yingling and the Boys.
I miss my lasalle Clique.
I miss Nabs and gang.
I miss my ex-cell.
I miss my sweethearts.
I miss Godma!
and Above all things, I miss GOD!!!!!

sigh.....

this are my thoughts like now!

Love,
Jesselene

PS: can't write more cause dad lock the com! how bad can things get? ALOT. sigh and i'm turning 19. OMG! THAT SCREAMS OLD OUT LOUD!!!!! sigh.

TOUCH BY MUSIC

2009-05-04T02:14:00.000-07:00

Found this on my of my favorite drummer's blog - Elliot James from Hey monday.
and i guess this really had me playing it over and over again!

So i'm Back!

2009-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm Back at home now! Alrights....

(cont.) from previous post.

THE SAD AND EMO STUFF.....

=> I have only a week left before i have to hand my stuff up for review and i fear that i may not make it through this year cause i 1stly don't think i can do that well and may just have to repeat. BUT if that is the case and i seriously don't get through, than i may consider dropping out and applying again but for level one as i don't see the need to repeat the foundation year. I hope my decision would be blessed. I'm not sure actually. Still praying for direction.

=> So many daddys are in hospitals. The Zhongs' Daddy, Cheryl key's grand-daddy, Madinah's Daddy and yeah! I hope there isn't anymore going in! Aiyo! PRay for them k! I'll be doing that too. I wish i can put the updates here but i'm not too sure about the details. I just hope the family and all are ok.

=> I miss Australia! =(

=> I need to look for a job and i really wanna do something that is related to my course which is film studies. I don't mind "sykanging" but i prefer to help up in crew work. Like setting up light, and running around the set. So yeah! I'm not sure how that is gonna work out but if you have connections i would really appreciate some help here. Unless i can't find what i'm looking for which is a job in the film industry than i'll head back to NOVUS to work. Sigh! I love that job, BUT its not what i wanna do my whole life and i want to do something i can learn than just memorizing menus and Drinks.

=> I need t cut my hair and i want to do it funky yet not AHLIAN! my gosh no way! I was interested in the scene and emo look but not sure if it may work out for me. OH wells.... i can think about that after review.

=> Any other emo stuff???? hmmmm..... i suppose life is full of them but i guess we just have to go through it.

Till Next time, I have to go to bed! Tmr is a long long day. Its good friday and i have to be in church the whole day and also My oldest sis would be coming over with my bro-in-law for dinner and she demands we go for the daniel fast so we may just have some malay dish that i don't know how to spell! Eh don't scold me for spelling it out wrong! Think we're eating sayalodeh!

OMG left with so little time for my work! Pray for me can???? loves loves.

Alrights next post would be pics of the recent happenings! just pics so yup! =)

Have a great weekend people! All the best for the uni students. I feel your pain of stress..... =) just a few weeks more! Lets pull through together. Love you all!!!

Tequiro,
Jesselene

Hectic times aren't always the best! I miss by baby boys and girls.

2009-04-08T21:46:00.001-07:00

So it has been awhile! Since i'm waiting for lyy and sam to get their stuff printed i thought i would just do a quick update on life!

Maybe starting with the happy things!

HAPPINESS

=> Caesar Got accepted into the liverpool university of Performing Arts. I'm so so so happy for him! Like yay!!!! Think He will be leaving soon to go over BUT BUT BUT knowing him, he won't miss NIN for his life. hahaha so yes after the concert. I think i will really miss that boy! =)

A really good friend he is. A source of encouragement and a listening ear in rough times.*love ya bro!

=> I'm done with my photo shoot and film storyboard. All thanks to Wei bin and his beloved Girlfriend Lynne. It would not have been possible if it wasn't for you! hard to find someone who is willing to walk around looking pregnant. Haha. So much thanks and don't worry i'll keep my word! I owe you both lots and lots of beer! We're going drinking after review anyway.

=> Gzerral is back from Taiwan safely. Would have to plan a meet up with him soon! I'm always too busy for coffee tea or ever drinks so writing this here making sure i can rmb what i said! To plan meet ups!

=> My Baby's birthday is arnd the corner! YAY! gives me an excuse to meet her cause i've not seen her for a very long time. so much so i can't even rmb when that is. So yes! Aaron if you're reading this please please bug me to do all the planning cause as you know i always tend to let things slip my mind. OH and yes ya birthday too! hahaha Love ya!

=> I Finally got myself a new bag! Not only that! Its been a 1st in six years since i last carried a backpack! YAHOO! like finally so i can stop walking in a slant manner. but i still love my crampler. I got a new handbag too! From Michael Kors. Like YAY! Canvas and earth colors!

=> Bought New perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Nice smell! Mummy bought it for me! So yup! But i still love my DKNY so i'll see the occasions when i use them. Sigh.... i thought i can get a hugo boss ladies but now i'm so broke! I LOVE LOVE HUGO BOSS!!!!!

*even the hugo boss guys perfume. so yummy (i know it sounds wrong but don't think that way than! Beats smelling sweat and BO.)

=> Saving up to go for the final fantasy Orchestra concert which will be held in may. $50 bucks i think.

ok so that's about it for the good stuff. Loads of stressy and sad emo stuff happening too. ok they are still not back from printing so i'll continue.

=> My Baby Boy is back on drugs and because he has been taking so much of it he has become so scary! Meaning in the stuff and things he do! Like even when he is not on it, He hallucinates and all! Can be really freaky! I worry for him all the time and i think it would be a matter of time in which he would be caught and send to rehab! It breaks my heart every time i talk to him and know he is getting worse. I wanna help but i don't want to loose him either! So yup! Praying real hard for the day my baby would be back to the norm. no more ciggs, less drinks and clean from drugs.

Dear God, Hear my cry! Let not this child be wasted and die. I care too much because i know he is unique. He is definitely always loved and not born to be a freak.

ok they are back! time to go! will continue with the bad stuff after.

loving you all always,

Jesselene

Sigh!

2009-03-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I did the gold in universe thing again! i'm not saying i believe it but yeah it explains the thought i have now! partially! sigh! stressed and upset! I don't know why! Scared and confused! argh! Lord i need you!

~Jesse~

Name: Jesselene
Date: 3/17/2009
Colorgenics Number: 14302567

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

Being impulsive and irritable, your desires and needs are paramount. You do things with insufficient thought - with little regard to the consequences that may follow. As a consequence of this attitude, you may be experiencing stress and conflict.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

A fool for love!

2009-03-17T04:51:00.000-07:00

This took my breath away. Love the direction and this shot film! watched it countless times and never got sick of it. Thanks to my babygirl Lyy!=) My gosh!

~Jesse~

PS: Love the London accent! hehe! dreams.... ahhhhhh.....

She's got the yummiest hair!

2009-03-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

AUDREY KITCHING!!!!

first saw this name on lyy's shirts and then on her ipod and i went like WOW she's hawt stuff babey!
and her hair! yummy!

SHE HAS THE YUMMIEST HAIR!!!!

ME WANT!!!!!

i drew my influence from ppl alike.

Attracted to her hair!!!!! Yummy baby!

-Jesse-

Emo poem.

2009-03-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

I know i should be bloggin but i lack of time as the work of life deprives me so! But since one of my own studies in school is about emoism as given to me by my lecturer, i wrote a emo poem of my own recently that describes partially how i was feeling when i was researching, studying and observing the whole entire trend turn into one of sub culture's isms! So yes i could say influence it has indeed dawned on me but heys i shall shush now and will definately update about life SOON i promise. In april! =) Lots to say! stay in tune for later posts! =) Loving you all still!

My thoughts for this day 21/01/09

Feelings driven with emotions
Is that so wrong of me?
To have such desire and longing
A deep need to break free

Sometimes even the purest thing
Could hurt one's heart real badly
Things that life offers meaning
Proves to be one that's decieving

So what's good and what's bad?
At times they look the same to me
Making a choice can drive me mad
Why do i have to be so attached emotionally?

The world is hard and people don't care.
Do something that's weird and they all stare
No one can hear the cry of this heart
Screaming and screaming, Pumping blood

No bleeding, don't worry, bruised it is only
Soon you'll see those small wet droplets
Tears its called as it slides down slowly
This is a song i write in this booklet.

-Jesselene~

~Is this what ppl call emo?
I just wrote my thoughts.
So shoot me baby is you wanna,
or walk away from me forever.
I don't care anymore
One or the other.

The Hectic week is over!

2009-01-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

Yay!!!! C day is over! hahaha..... got loads of pics and stuff!!!! i'm just glad the week is passed and over! hahaha.

Tears have been shed, anger let out, rubbish pouring out in songs and emo periods of time! but it was all worth it really! Cause we managed to get it done and over with! haha. let me share what had gone through this week.

I was struggling with my presentation abt some guy called Stephane Mallarme and i kinda was so so scared for the day before and i still was not able to come up with anything to present without copying and pasting from the internet! AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT OF ME so i called my lecturer up and convinced her to give me another person to work on and guess what! SHE DID!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!! I got to do on a fashion designer called Charles Frederick Worth. Was so high that i went crazy!!!! It didn't turn out as good though cause it was a rush job! i really hope i passed!

And now for the 2D mural part.

The 1st day started pretty well with all the happy stuff going on and drawing monsters and stuff till we realized that the wall looked too cramped up and so we decided to erase the whole thing! Than we had a bunch of disagreements of what we should draw up next and it left all of us using the F***in word and all the bad tempers and all! I needed a beer to calm me down really! which helped slightly but than i ended up crying! In front of someone who erm..... i like maybe??? (that later!) Gosh embarrassment hits real hard man! And i was so so rude! man i feel bad about it all! i mean even our lecturer was unhappy with us, for a certain person in our group kinda made him angry and that sparked a whole lecturer not happy with the group thing!

I went out for dinner with Lyana after that and we kinda bitch about stuff or rather had a time of like trash out which made things so much better. We also managed to draw up an idea for the mural so the day ended pretty well after that! so yup!

When i got home i apologised to the people i think i offended and that went pretty well too! I really thank God!

THE 2ND DAY, i came earlier than anybody else and wellwell i saw Him?? ok and just so you know my day started off well and yes i was glad but thing is it is bad that he is just directly opp me ok enough info!

yes so than i moved on and started sketching my idea waiting for sam and my lecturer to arrive so we can start doing the thing an not waste time. In the end our dear lecturer approved of our idea and than we started doing it all over again with a happy heart!

We only felt bad cause we were gonna erase what my friend suggested that made every kinda unhappy and we were thinking of what would be the best way to tell her that her idea kinda sucks and we don't wanna do it and so does our lecturer!!! so yup! She woke up late! thank GOD!!! so when she came it was all gone! and we were onto our new design which was done by our dearest hafiz!!!! omg i love that boy! he is so darn good at his work!

And yup from there we went crazy with the dancing and the laughing and by the end of the day we were all just plain tired!!!!! But we didn't wanna head home just yet so we went to Billy Bombers for dinner!!!! YUMMMM!!!!!! After Billy Bom's we went to ben and jerry's for dessert and the live band was not bad! We felt tired so in the end we just went home to rest well for the next day!!!

THE 3RD DAY!!!!! I was again early!!!!!!!!And Saw Him again but it didn't matter!!!! he didn't recognize me for i was wearing an army hat, fender t-shirt, faded jeans and a one sided earing with my hair tyed to the side! i know weird!!! but ah wells but i really had nothing to wear to school alrd as i have been in school for like a week now!!!! so yup!!!! pretty hip yeah??!!!!

We had a fun day actuallly! managed to finish early and slack for abit!! Wanted to go play rock band at cine but than we were like too tired alrd! And because after c day, we had the free pizza and drinks, the guys kinda took like 9 cans of beer i thing up and i had one! Oh and we slacked at the grass patch till like 8 pm!!!! during that time, we went cazy as i had the guitar! I started singing random songs about him, my friends and people we don't really like! hha.... it was dead hilarious! i think i should write songs aboout all my friends in school and sing it at expose yaself! it would be darn funny! oh wells picture time......... me alrd blog alot!!!!

crap no time! pics later k!!!! love love!!!

Jesselene

PLS

2009-01-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

GOD HELP ME THROUGH THIS WEEK!!!!!

YOUR STRENGTH I SEEK

YOU ARE ALL I NEED!!!!

HEAR MY CRY

LORD, I AWAIT!!!!!

-Jesselene-

sigh!

2009-01-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Okay i know i should be posting what i promised in the previous post but i'll have to save it for another time! here is my current status and updates!!!!

I would not be able to blog till like end of next week.
I finally manage to get my hands on the Fairy tale scheduler I've been eying on since last year! For it has all four of my favorite fairy tale designs and story quotes in it! Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan and Cinderella. I kinda Sacrificed my week's allowance for it! That's how much i really want it! Would snap a pic of it soon and post online!
This week is gonna be a hectic week for me and i'm on the verge of breakdown due to the load of work that i have and also i have many things to sacrifice such as sleeep, church service and even the up coming fuel school prayer conference at cornerstone which i really really really wish and wanna be there!
Prayers would be appreciated really as

i have like a presentation that has to do with some poet called Stephane Mallarme. He is french by the way and i have a very very hard time trying to understand his poems and prose compositions. It is due this thursday.
I also have to have all my layouts by today actually as in like now is the early morning. However i have not even got a idea out yet as my lecturer rejected my previous white structure for 3D project.
And then there is a Open house for school this week and i'm doing a mural with some other people on the campus and i've not done a single thing for the process development and friday isn't very far away.
Also i have to do my digital imaging project and get it at least 80% done by next week! I don't know how i'm gonna get through! so yup!
Prayers would be nice actually!

So that's about it! hope to see ya soon people! Loving ya!!!!

Jesselene

2009

2009-01-11T02:58:00.000-08:00

Its been a long while since i last blogged! probably 10 days but not really as I've not updated much!

many things have happen recently and I've got loads to share! When the hols started, i had many catch up sessions with my friends and then came the festive season and then church camp and then back till now! What work have i done? not much! just research for my WHITE PROJECT (3d work) and my texture research and explorations. Plus random drawing of jon burgerman's cute monster like stuff! haha.... so yup! i have not really achieved the goal i set for my hols which is the completion of all my work!

If they are not cute to you i don't know what to say but i guess all this liking for this kinda stuff grew on me because of lyy! haha. She love ugly dolls and so forth and well i just started loving it at the sight of it! its not ugly. its beauty in the most creative sense! haha. what i mean is that i see it so much that i grew fond of it!

oh wells. ANYWAYS..... Last month was kinda up and down. Sad stuff and happy stuff all happened but it turn out for the better i suppose!

If i have not alrd mention it before, My beloved cell disbanded recently!

People i hold dear from church! People who are like a second family to me! Well we've been together for the last 8 years and also before that when we were in UR Kindies. We basically grew up together and was one of the only cells that had mixed gender. Another one was Joshua's cell but they disbanded way earlier than ours as they kinda all moved on to take the positions of leadership and kinda multiplied buy leading the younger cells.

Well anyway, We have gone through alot together.
With ups and downs, agreements and disagreements, hate and love, sorrow and joy, trips to Cambodia and Thailand together, tears and laughter.... literally everything.

I don't know abt how the rest felt but they were the people that if it wasn't for them and their love and support, i wouldn't not be what i am today! probably worst!

i share my sorrows, my love, my hate, my tears, my joy, my crappiness, my tantrums, my anger, my mind and my heart with them all the time. They are the people i can rely on for being honest with me! frank with me and also for there for me!

They stood by me when i was struggling with my lesbian issues.

They stood by me when i was having family issues,

They stood by me when i was having a emotional down turn,

They stood by me when my family hit a financial crisis,

They stood by me when mum got cancer till now,

They stood by me when i was totally upset about my results,

They stood by me when i was on the verge of walking away from God.

They stood by me when Godma died.

They stood by me when i thought the world hates me.

They stood by me in everything!

Till today They are there for me.

I know that it may seem impossible but i know that the bond my cell share would last me a life time! This are the people i want my future kids to meet and hang around with. HAHA. ok i'm digressing haha. But indeed they are a blessing from God that i hold dear. So yes this was indeed a very sad issue for me when i heard we 're to disband! I kinda expected it but than again i guess i didn't expect it to be so soon!

However it turned out pretty well as i'm not settling in a new cell which i kinda am hoping to be able to do the same as my previous cell but i know it would definitely take a very very long time for that to be achieved! Its just so weird moving out of my comfort zone! but the people there are funky and all! I'm the youngest though! the rest are like 21 and above! ah wells.... ain't bad being a baby of the cell! haha.

I'm just glad by ex cell is still as tight as we used to be as we still go out together, have sleepovers, go drinking together, movies and birthday surprises! We meet every week for at least once to have dinner after service! And with that i'm glad!

So yes that was part of the happenings! i'm long winded am i? but i don't wanna loose details! haha so yup!

Church camp was a transforming one as wells! Those who have facebook coud go look up the pictures! one that is the talk of the day was this!

I AM WOMAN
hear me roar

done by Keenan with courtesy of Justin providing the catch line!

Ah well i still love them both! haha.... it was a random picture that became the talk of the day! How it happened? i don't know! haha. This was taken during human treasure hunt at holland v on day 3 of camp! You know i'm so gonna post the testimony of what happened on that day man! it was A (pronounced as AEY) AMAZING!!!!!!! hahaha.... maybe on the next post? But well i even have my own testimony to share! but now i'm running out of time so i guess i'll have to post that another time. hahaha.

ok well i'm gonna post my new year resolution on another post and then followed by testimony and than after that the follow up on life again! hahahaha.... I'm gonna be 19! can you believe that! ARGH! RAHWORS i say! Alrights! I shall toodeloos now! have a great year people!

Love always,
Jesselene

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

TO ALL

MY SWEET GIRLS AND HONEY BOYS!!!!!!

(BABES AND DUDES)

Its 2009 people!!!!!

MAY ALL YOU BELOVEDS OF MINE BE BLESSED!!!!

IT WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT

THROUGH THE YEAR WITHOUT YOU!!!!!

WILL Update tomorrow! just came home from a camp and a party!
haha..... need the sleep!

I'm full of year this year! be blessed!

JESSELENE LOVES YOU!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!
GOD DOES TOO!!!!!

no time!

2008-12-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hey People!!!! I've not been updating due to the fact that i've been busy, lazy and well i guess there is alot to update actually! so yeah soon!!!! can't wait! and what sucks is that school is opening soon! And have i done anything??! NOOOO!!!!! that's why! shit man! oh wells... laters... loving you all still!

Jesselene

2008-12-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

This Girl is so cute and yes! please please believe in yourself!

amazement!!!

2008-12-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

Concerto Pour Deux Voix

Sang by Jean Baptiste and Clemence

Song's originally a instrumental a while back by this french composer called Saint-Preux. interesting form and arrangements. The song is adapted and sung by this boy and girl. The boy, Jean Baptiste Maunier, is(was) from Les Choristes (he has his own fan army) and the girl is Saint-Preux's daughter, Clémence Saint-Preux. His daughter (french too of course :)) is also a growing solo artist.

i want a voice like hers...... amazing!!!!

Will update soon!!!

love always,

Jesselene!

day out with my dears!

2008-12-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

Another good day of catching up with my dearest beloved Yings, Ryan and Aaron!

Poor Shawn had a leg infection and couldn't walk!

Shanker??? well that boy doesn't answer calls, smses, msn and stuff! i think he is either too busy for yings and me or well he has disappeared from the face of this earth! oh wells, in truth i do miss him but i guess he wouldn't care anyways...

Joel? That boy was busy spending brotherly time with his older bro! haha.... so yup!

Anyways, we all met up pretty late as ryan woke up late, i didn't watch my time and well for aaron i'm not too sure. our dear yings was early! poor baby! i'm sorry... didn't mean to be late! won't happen again i promise! you can smack me if it happens again! haha....

We met up at vivo city, than headed to carls jr to eat the chilli beef cheese fries which didn't taste all so nice but pretty alright (the ones at botak jones tasted better) and we had a good catchup session. mostly about ry and his beloved. hm.... not yet but nearly there... man that boy is in love! you'll know why when you see the pics man! haha... so so cute when he is happy!! i hope all goes well with him.

haha... suddenly every one is being attached haha.... so happy for all my dearests! =) Yings has been seeing someone new too! I met him ytd! Name is ben and well he looked like a decent chap! only thing is that he looks more like an army boy than a poly student! I think it is the hair! all shaved! haha but oh wells.=) I know he won't be a heart breaker! i hope Yings finally met the one! don't wanna see my baby sad or upset now! haha... oh wells.

Aaron didn't stay long as he had to rush to school so yup! didn't managed to catch a picture that included him but oh wells.... some other time. ok after he left we went candy empire!

YAY!!! I bought my chocolate and well we spent a really long time waiting for ryan for he couldn't make up his mind on whether to buy a prezzie for her or not and YES he did in the end! awww how sweet yeah??!!!

Then we headed to coffee bean and sat down to chill!!! and yeah! yings started cam whoring! haha and yup!!!! Ryan was so so funny! oh wells.... we waited for ben and left the two lovebirds to their thing! me and ry left!!

When i came home i suddenly felt like running and so yeah i went for a jog! It felt so so good! so yup! that's all for my day! and i'm up now starting a new day! haha.... going for a few laps in the pool and than down to church for bible study! Would probably try to do some work in between! yup! alright till than!!!

now for pictures! Pictures sometimes speaks more than words!

Dreamy while listening to the musical tin.

Listening listening

Wah so nice!!!

Wah I can't believe i bought it!!! Dreamy dreamy!

Yings thinking :"gosh ryan ah ryan!"

Oooooooo!!!!!!

Eh???

I was Listening to Joel recording on Ryan's phone!
You should listen to what drunk fools say!!
Hilarious!!!

Cam whoring ah this girl!

Chey eh!!!!

YING BABY!

Loving her!

Love love baby!

Don't ever hurt her!!!! Best friends!!!
Jesselene and Yings! Since 2005!!!

This Boy is in love!!!

Get what i mean???
(I love this expression! When we said her name!!! So cute!!!)

Check out that smile!!!!

AWWWW!!!!!!

And he doesn't smile as wide with us! silly boy!
Love them both! So much!

That hand with the watch?? HIS! not mine! looks like mine though! haha.

And yes boy! smile more!!!!!!

Alright! Jesselene Signing off!!!!!

P.S: We all had a chance with the cam so i didn't take it all! credits to all of us! haha!!!!

Snow white and the 7 dwarfs

2008-12-01T21:48:00.001-08:00

In Memories of The Seven Dwarfs!

" hahaha..... okok... this is sad!
And Jesselene is high in the sky! "

Only bashful is left!!!!

2008-12-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Hermosa senorita,

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!! The dwarfs i love so much has finally appeared! I didn't know i had them until like a few days back when mum took out all the stuff toys to wash! I was in love with the dwarfs since young and i always wanted to own the whole collection. However when i searched online, it was so so so ex to purchase! Dreams of having them all? CRUSHED!!!!!

When i found them i was overjoyed ok! Than the worse thing happened!!!! MUMMY THREW THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE STAINED!!!! The sky in my world just came crashing down crushing my dear heart with no breath left! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????!!!!?????!!!!

Fine! now only bashful is left! So sad to have him lose his brothers. No more sleepy, grumpy, doc, sneezy, happy and dopey! Poor thing! awwww.... sigh!!!! i'll make money in future and buy the whole set again! sigh.... sob sob sob!!!

Bashful acting cute!!!!! awwww!!!

Haha... cheer up Bashful!!!!

Poor dwarf lost his brothers!!!!

Presenting BASHFUL!!!!!

GOSH! you smell good bashful after the wash!!!!
now now don't be shy!!! haha

Jesselene is snow white if you have not noticed! The fairest in the family! haha. Cherylene is brown, Clarence is black, Carolene is yellow and i'm fair!!!! not white cause now we have a new addition to the family and his the white guy! Peter! haha... Cherylene's fiance! haha.... random oh wells....

Alrights gonna meet ryan, baby, aaron and shawn now.... miss them really! haha.... Blog late than!!! happy but sad! you now why! this time snow white didn't die! the dwarfs did!!! sigh!

Love always,
Jesselene

P.S: Feeling lame today!!!

2008-11-30T03:39:00.000-08:00

I want that hair!!!!!!
but i want it in mocha and red shades!
Can i????
still thinking on changing my hair style!
tired of the current one!
Hmmmmm.....

Hols are here and i;m gonna catch up with people i miss!

2008-11-27T04:14:00.000-08:00

Finally the hols are here. Have not really updated that much due to the fact that I've been really really busy with my assignments and preparing for the review! and well I failed both 3D and 2D and yeah I'm really upset and all. But oh wells after a good cry, life moves on and i just got to gear myself to what lays ahead! I vow not to waste my hols away! I'm gonna enjoy about like one week and than start brushing up on my sketch books as my work! I'm not gonna let my lecturers down. I'm glad that i managed to pull through for my drawing fundamentals and drawing development class. I did really try my very best for those two classes! really! I love both of this lecturers and i hate seeing their dismay faces upon reviewing my work! so yup i guess i have to have the same mentality for 2D and 3D even though i don't really like some things about it. personal issues that i don't wanna raise or discuss but oh wells.

ok enough of school stuff. Now its hols and lately i've been able to catch up with my fellow beloveds from my secondary school! Oh how i miss them so so much! they are the elements that brings beauty to a dull old kampong chai chee! haha. here are some of the pics that i've put up!

Alyn!

Syaf

They didn't know that fujifilm can send pics to each other.

My Beloved girl

Syaf and Syaz

The Boyfriends of Syaz and Nabs.
Check out the looks... hmmmm... skeptical!

We had dinner and all! AND OMG!!!!! i realized that i'm the only one single now. I'm just gonna be the loner that grows old in a old cottage with no life....knitting woollen jackets for poor children on my wooden creaking rocking chair! how sad a life is that! haha OKOK I'M KIDDING PEOPLE!!!!!

I'm Alright being single. That just means that i've yet to find the right one. And when i finally found him, it would be the most beautiful thing that can ever happen. I don't care how long it takes for me to wait but hey! When my right one comes, it would be complete. the puzzle would be full and everything that made it incomplete would just fade away and the thought of ever being incomplete would be gone. haha i CAN wait and i look forward to the guy God has created specially for me! oh wells...... while i'm waiting..... i won't be testing waters but i would be using my time to learn to love those that i have yet to show concern to. Ever since what happened in school i've been a bitch and i miss the person i used to be! I am gonna turn over a new leaf from today onwards. I'm gonna be who i am made to be! Who God wants me to be, who he created special and beautiful in His wonderful eyes. Yes i am gonna do that!

YAY! i have all my catch up sessions all planned out. Meeting Kash and my baby Yings tmr for coffee or rather tea. Than i'm heading to church for corp prayer. than here come sat where my whole day is in church. Sunday is family day. Monday is for my catch up with sam and ly and madinah. And on tuesday with ry, baby yings and gang. Wednesday for gym and a little of work. Thursday movie with Sha. Friday cell with singapore poly people and than the week starts again but with plans i've yet to put in for my schedule! haha... alright! Can't wait. will update soon! now is my bros turn on the com! see ya people. loving you!

Te quiro,
Snr Jesselene

TOKIO HOTEL CRAZINESS.

2008-11-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

I can't get enough of this! Someone help me! I'm so so in love with Bill and Tom Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel!!!!( their style i mean) i'm screaming screaming! Call me mad but baby the twins are hot! Lovin music, lovin them! ok! I'm gonna shut up before someone shoots me! Ahhhhhh Tokio HOtel!!!!! Jesselene's mad! Period.

Monsoon - Tokio Hotel

ok fine i'm signing off but sadly cause i love this vid! hotness i say!!! hahahahahaha.... this is the result of stress! it becomes a drug!!!!!!!

I think i'm beautiful

2008-11-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'VE BEEN TAGGED BY NABILAH!!!!

Tag!
The rules and regulations:
1. Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4. No tags back !

10 Weird things/habits/little known facts about Jesselene

I go crazy over nice notebooks, sketchbooks, schedulers (special ones) , stylish journals, stylish photo albums (the kind you paste on ya own), and etc. OH and stationary too!!!! from simple rulers to paint and fabric!
I have a habit of twirling my hair and smelling it. Unknowingly sometimes.
I want to own a baby tiger or even a panther or a cheetah! For real! If only....
I want kids!!!!
I always need a full stretch after an hour or so if not i feel all compressed and uncomfortable and can get really moody depending on situation!
I can't keep quiet for long periods of time cause if i do, something isn't right.
I drum literally on almost everything when i'm bored.
I speak out my thoughts and talk to myself sometimes, asking questions that i end up answering.
I like stoning and being in a world of my own at times. I love reflecting and writing poems that i hope would be songs of my own eventually.
Only people close to me has heard it! The sound i make when i laugh! a high pitch jerky sound.

Ten People

Ying Ling
Joy
Alex
Ferdi
Benjamin Goh
Sin Ee
Joline
Jamie
Nat
Jason

P.S: I love huggs and also i can sense when people are not feeling well emotionally or physically!

Ok So I'm Back again after NOISE SINGAPORE

2008-10-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Ok So I'm back again from attending NOISE SINGAPORE at the Creative Cube In my school which is LASALLE (for those who do not alrd know that). It was really good actually! It was a peformance done by this band called S.P.O.N.G.E. They are a local band that is currently still young in the music industry. So yup! And my attention was being captured by the singer.... NO not because he was cute or whatsoever... his vocals was kinda good actually! And same goes for the rhythm guitarist/backup vocals who goes by the name of Nor Syafiq i think. Now he had a nice voice and yeah a cute face la huh! Oh wells.

And I was so tempted to actually talk to the drummer cause well i'm into percussion right and the instrument that he was playing had always been an interest to me. i have no idea what it is called. Imagine liking something that i don't even know the name of, i think i should really go find it out. Well but it is a box you sit on and tap controlling the sound that is produced sounding like a actually whole drum kit! haha. interesting right?! I've seen it many times and wish someone would just teach me to play that! That is one instrument that i would love love love to master really! haha. However, I did not managed to make contact due the circumstances that i was a little to shy and also not sure what to say BECAUSE... he played well and he was only a one day learner. MY GOSH!!!! can you believe that??!!! Give him probably a month and i think he would be pro really! haha. Yes and i'm full of admiration for people like that! Either they are fast learners or just naturally talented. I Wanna be like that too!!!! sigh! oh wells.... i'm still special and unique either way!

So yup! They would be playing a gig this sat which i can't attend because i have other commtiments that i can't put aside so yes i have to miss that one. And also another on the 8th Nov. Oh wells. See how when the day comes. I am not going to the Singapore Biennale today as firstly, the people i was suppose to go with can't make it and also i forgot to bring my came and notebook. Rahwors! haha. So yup it is postponed to Friday. Totally packed this week man. Sigh! So much assignments that i could just faint and not die cause circumstances would not allow me to.

I have like so many sketchbooks to complete and research to do, plus an essay on a film which i'm not exactly very clear about. I also have to complete so many drawings by this week! Why do i have so much work, well to tell you the truth, it is not because Lasalle is out to kill but rather i've been really really lazy and delayed alot of my work! RAHWORS! So yes now i'm facing the music of my past actions..... I lack of motivition i suppose and discipline too. Sigh.... what am i to do. Even now i'm suppose to do my research but in the end i'm like blogging cause i'm a little too tired!

JOSIAH CHEE'S fault la. I spend my whole night helping him draw hands and sacrificed my sleep! Babyboy you sure owe me BIG TIME man...ok i'm kidding! I won't bully you! See, In the midst of so much work i set aside time to help you! Haiyo! Ok i think this is enough distraction. I'm going back to doing work now. Toodaloos ppl! I needa work! Sigh.... LOrd help me... I need ya Strength and motivation! okok.... i'll never ever stop if i don't do it now! Laters ppl......

Adios,
Jesselene the black panther.... RAHWORS!!!!

P.S I wanna own a tiger..... anyone willing to buy me one???!!!!
I really really want one badly! ok i'm crazy and whiny now!
RAHWORS!-JESSELENE

2008-10-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

The World Famous, Glenn Miller Orchestra, is the most popular and sought after big band in the world today for both concert and swing dance engagements. With its unique jazz sound, the Glenn Miller Orchestra is considered to be one of the greatest bands of all time. The present Glenn Miller Orchestra was formed in 1956 and has been touring consistently since, playing an average of 300 live dates a year all around the world. Trombonist Larry O'Brien is the orchestra's present musical director.

Ok so now i'm just waiting for the NOISE Singapore to start at 12pm today at LASALLE's Creative Cube. I just attended the swing jazz concert by Glenn Miller's Ochestra and My Gosh!!!! I AM SO BLOWN AWAY AND I CAN STAY THERE TO LISTEN TO THEM ALL MY LIFE! Like seriously! If i was allowed i would just stand up and dance. And also if i had a partner that is. Now i wonder why i took up design. If i was given another chance at music i would make it my life. You have no idea how much regret i have now of not taking piano lessons seriously when i was a child and also giving up the french horn for percussion! haha i mean i don't regret being a percussionist and all as i kinda learn literally everything from theory to practical but that still is not enough as i am not a master of it. Just a jack of all trades, Now how sad is that yeah? haha.

Oh wells but since i am in a design course i'll stick to it as i know everything happens for a reason yeah? I mean God decides for us even if we are given choices. haha. Even if i don't use music in the industry, I can still use my voice and musical talent to serve Him in church and also in life. I mean it would be a dream to be a super talented musician and vocalist but hey... not every dream comes true. I love everything from visual arts to performing arts so i'm glad i'm blessed with such interests and all.

Oh no!!!! ok more on that topic later.... i'm gonna check out the NOISE Singapore and yeah get back to doing my work! haha.

OH OH Prayer Request! That i''ll be guided in my decision on which field of arts i should persue. These are my choices that interest me.
1.Film
2.Communication Design ( Graphics and Advertising)
3.Arts Management
4.Fine Arts in Graphics and Photography
5.Fashion Communication and Management

So i hope that God would somehow show me what he wants me to do as i know what i wanna do but don't want to do things that doesn't please Him so. So yup! Confussion lies in it too! So yes... rushing off now.... will update when i can. Adios....

Tequiero,
Jesselene

So i admit.....

2008-10-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

OK confession of the day! I'm amazed how people find this weird, funny, crazy or interesting! Guess i'm one of the oddballs huh!!!!

MY CONFESSION IS......
I have an obsession for a couple of things.... not that i worship it or whatsoever but i just have kinda fetish for it. What are they???

I go crazy over notebooks, sketchbooks, schedulers, journals, stylish photo albums (the kind you paste on ya own), and etc. I can spend like alot on money on just notebooks? 80% of the time it is more of a want than a need! And do i use them... er sometimes? very very seldom do i use it to the very end! haha.... probably 1 in 10 books are actually 70% filled. Weird you may say!!!I know..... but it was since young i had this habit and liking for these books.

As a child i would save lunch and break money to buy nice smelling journals.... you know those sold in primasy school bookshops??!!! yeah those. And hide them from mummy for she would yell at me for wasting cash! haha.... Now i have upgraded to books from artbox, artfriend, times, Prints, paperchase and so forth... when i see great beautiful books online i go crazy! Thank God mum didn't issue me a credit card... if not i would just run into bankruptcy! Haha.... ok not so serious but haha... yeah! Love Love those books! So yup! those close to me would actually know this for i can just spend so much time admiring books for the sake of it! haha..... (maybe i should make my own brands and kind of notebooks to sell!!!!) i wonder who has the same obsession!
Another thing i go crazy over is prints!!!! haha more and more prints, graphic, and so forth!!! woohoo! ok... confession of the day is over!!!

I just needed a break from work! i should be getting back now! haha... toodaloos ppl! will update properly soon! so much to say so little time.... rahwors!

Te Quiro,
Jesse!

PSFK CONFERENCE

2008-10-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

PSFK CONFERENCE ASIA
DATE Friday, October 10, 2008
TIME 08:00 am - 06:00 pm
VENUE The Asian Civilisation Museum, 1 Empress Place
Singapore 179555

My sincere apologies about this late entry.
One day i was browsing through my emails when i came across one regarding the conference and it stated that....

PSFK is looking for 10 student volunteers to assist them in running the
conference.

The requirements are:
The student must have a keen interest in the conference itself.
The student must blog about his or her experience at PSFK
We require the students for the entire day of 10 Oct 08
We will feed the students
Students volunteers will be able to attend the conference

So i was thinking why not because i went to the website and read what the conference was regarding and it got me interested because firstly i was intending to pursue my studies in communication design so this would be a good exposure to what the industry is like and which direction it is heading as I'm still new to it all. Secondly, what caught my eye was the fee for attending the conference. It was $1000. It had to be worth it! For me as a student, $1000 was a lot of money and it would take me a really long time to be able to come up with the money to afford to attend this conference. So yes. I volunteered myself even though i had class on Friday! Somehow this conference took a higher priority because it was not to be missed.

On the day of the conference, I woke up feeling really very excited about the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect as this was the first time i was volunteering for such an event. Excited that i would be able to meet designers that i have heard about so much but never met in real life. So finally had the chance to meet them and hear what they had to share.

Sad thing is i did not bring my camera for i left it at home by accident as i was rushing to the conference. At the conference, i did not manage to sit in much for the talks for i was busy with the registration counter and helping with whatever i could.

What I gained from the conference? Well some insights on the new movement and more knowledge of the different companies and designers that are involved in the industry.

I sat in to listen to a talk called Creator Class. In the talk Piers Fawkes interviews members of Asia's creative community exploring the emergence of a new generation of multi-talented creatives, their ambitions, and how agencies and companies can collaborate with them. The panel included Jason Anello (Yahoo!), Paul Tan (POOL) and Brian Tiong (B-side).

From that talk i was inspried of how young artist/designer these days get together to start something small that ended up becoming a big project that is recognized among the industry. I did have dreams of wanting to achieve the same as them but never thought it as possible. But having known that it was possible, i am indeed dreaming again and working towards that goal of achieving likewise.

Another talk involved a panel of experts in a discussion about youth culture trends in Asia and how they will impact businesses around the globe. Listening to what was being said made me open up more to things and view them in a different manner. Like i always thought of blogs just as reflections on peoples' life or expressions of thoughts. Never had i thought of blogs as reports for cultural contexts such as the fashion trends or even the latest tech or a new subculture. I also thought of youtube as just another entertainment outlet, however, it is also a space for critics. Another quote that I never thought of was that our research these days are not done in the office but outside. It did make alot of sense and was very true. Another interesting thing that was brought up was about changes. "Silent shifts" they call it. Where youth of today tend to set their own values. Not from the elders or above.

That was what i manage to grasp from that talk. Because halfway through i was called to help with setting up some stuff at Superfamous for the after party.

That was not too bad. setting up the canvas pieces... although i made a mistake in the way i held the frame and was corrected by Paul! Something i learn too... although it is silly not to know that as it was common sense.

I really wanted to head back to the conference to listen to the last talk about the accident. However, I totally forgot about it and missed it! How sadden i feel but i'm sure there would be another time, i hope. I manage to hear abt it from the other volunteers who managed to sit in and i was inspired of how things like accidents can lead to such wonderful paths of becoming a successful designer. No one would have thought it would have happened but it did.

I got back in time to help in giving out the goodie bags and was given one too!!!! The things inside were interesting i say!

What was next was the after party which was held at superfamous and had a free flow of cocktails, wine and beer. It was interesting a sight i must say.

In the midst of it all i learned to work with people i do not initially know and also got a chance to learn things from them as they were mostly more senior and experienced compared to me.

Oh and on a side note, the food provided was really really good! Kudos to that!

So would i ever volunteer for such a conference or event again? Answer would be a definate yes! Even if i don't volunteer, I would try my very best to attend it! There were so many things i wish i did, such as to get to speak to the speakers on a personal basis to ask questions that are still left unanswered and also built a network of contacts. Hoping for future experiences like this.

For now, I'll just work hard to succeed in my studies of graphic and advertising design.

Pictures...

Special thanks to Ping for the photos!=)

Till then....
Jesselene

been busy!!!

2008-10-16T09:16:00.001-07:00

Assignments assignments assignments! lack of time to update.... be patient people.... i'm finding time to blog soon! yeah?! Updating soon! love you all!

A Film I did

2008-10-12T04:33:00.001-07:00

My Name

2008-09-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

What Jesselene Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I enjoyed my weekend and i'm glad to have known you Lord!!!

2008-09-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I had a good weekend! God was really really good to me! Lets start from Friday!!! i hope i have time to complete my entry!!! haha.... MY CELL IS SO SWEET!!!! THEY GOT ME A NEW BIBLE!!!!! I'M MOVED BY YOU GUYS LIKE SUPER DUPER UPER ALOT!!!!!!!! LOVING YOU!!!!

FRIDAY!!
I met up with my baby girl, Yings, near my school and i was really glad that she made time for me! She is still "seeing" Alan but somehow after all that she has explained to me abt him, i kinda personally approve of him! AS LONG AS she doesn't get hurt or affected greatly. I enjoyed just catching up with her and sharing with her my struggles that i had in school and i guess somehow she could relate and i was glad!

We had a good time talking about old times and boys and even rubbish talk! i haven't really spoke rubbish talk for a long time! I mean beside the times when I'm with Nabs and gang! so yup! not much really! I miss her alot still and now. haha... Alan came to fetch her home after our catch up session! so yeah! pretty neat! Not bad she doesn't just go for a guy! She got him with wheels! hehe! baby don't get angry that i say that okay! haha love love!!!! sayang sayang!!!!

After that i went to the library near church to do my work cause i just wanna avoid the school people! So yup! was glad to have that piece! I think I'll be doing that more often! church library is good! i like it! haha....

After that i met up with joy for dinner before going for corp prayer at church! haha. so yeah! that's Friday for me and all! haha!

SATURDAY!!!
Carolene is away for the weekend and so i was appointed to be the photographer for the children ministry for they were celebrating children's day. Three services was gonna be tiring but i was glad as it also meant that i can use the Nikon D80 and learn about how it really works and all!!! I had fun!

But wait lets not get there yet!!!! Rewind to the beginning! I went to church early for sound check and was hoping to soak and meet God through worship and the music as during my train trip down to church, the song that played in my Ipod was "while I'm waiting". The main line goes as such - While i'm waiting, I will worship, While I'm waiting, I will serve you while I'm waiting......- and yeah that kinda spoke to me so i decided while i wait, i'll worship and serve him and yeah.

When i got to sound check I just sat there and praised him while they ran through the songs. During the first song, i pulled out my notebook and wrote to the Lord. This are the exact words. I'm not writing to boast or what ever... more of allowing myself to be open for people to understand and read my life.

"Dear Lord,
What have i done wrong? Who have i hurt unintentionally? Why don't i know? Am i such a bitch really? Oh Lord, who am i father? who am i? I long to have that flame for you again but I'm just drowning. Oh Lord, save me. As I praise you today, let the words of my heart sing.

Teach me Father, Show me and mold me. Help me tide over this. Not alone but with you. How I long for those times with you. Just like we used to have. Who else can i trust and turn to but you? You are all i have Father. Without you I am Nothing. I long to hear from you today and see you, feel you and touch you.

Even as i get through this day, Just waiting and serving you, may my thoughts be filled with nothing else but you. Each and every second of the day. As i take the photos of your children, may it be you working and guiding my hands, my photos, my shots. When the pictures turn out well, May my heart praise you and not myself. For it is you who made this possible for me. May the moments be just you and me. I love you Lord. I really do. But i ain't sure why or whether it is because i want ya favour. Show me Lord. Why or dies it not matter? I don't know.

Love Jesse."

When we got to the second song, i don't know why but i just broke down. It was about the Father's love. Because i hated to cry in front of the music min, i ran off to the toilet and well came back after, grab my stuff and headed to the Children Ministry early! Not wanting to look back at the stage! So yup! Didn't want any questions asked for now as i'll get extra emo if i relate the happenings all over again!

My Gosh!!!! I tell you, The whole photography thing taught me alot of lessons! One is having a child like heart, faith and yup!!!! I've got pictures of it and all but in total about 500 pics? so i have to filter, delete and all before uploading and stuff. it is way too many!

The kids are so blessed! Just look at the way the 4 to 7 year olds worship.... my heart went all out to them and i found myself telling God.... DAD!!!! i want to be just like them! I want to worship you the same way.... And well i guess there was a longing. After their kids worship, they had a time of going to the destiny corner where the sunday school teachers and some parents would speak over the little one's life and prophesy over them! And i thought it was pretty cool! The kids than got the chance to soak in the Lord's presence and ask the Lord who he wanted them to bless today and in what way. through pictures? verses? words?

And WOW you should have seem how amazing some of their works were.... i'll upload it here soon! i think they should all be artist! But we all know that they got it through God! so this proves one thing! God is AMAZING!

And my prayers were answered cause God allowed me to serve Him and Worship Him and i did have some convos with him. And best of all i didn't think of my problems at all!!!! So that made me happy!

After that i went for youth service and Boy was it Good! the worship was fantastic! The sermon was sweet, short and very very powerful to me as it spoke into my life of how temptations were great and how we had the strength to overcome it easily! We just tend to forget that we have ultimate strength cause we focus too much on the problems that SEEM so big but AREN't that big! haha.....

I went up for prayer and had a major breakdown even though i didn't want to have. I didn't even want to go up for prayer but i knew if i wanted a breakthrough, it was now or never.... so i went and knelt before god and somone tap my shoulder. I open my eyes and looked up and saw flo and than the rain poured from my heart out to my eyes! and yup.... I recieved alot of word and welll i feel so refreshed!

After service, Me and Nat met up and had dinner. Had a good chat with her abt stuff in school as she is from an arts school too so i felt maybe she would understand me better and she kinda did! I Thank God for her! Had a wonderul time and than we went out for drinks with the rest of the big group and after that Bob drove me home. that was about it!

SUNDAY!!!!
today was the same as ytd for the children's ministry but after that i had lunch wih the prayer min and we had a wonderful convo abt bgr and marriage ! One of my all time favourite subjects cause there are never ending questions that are ever so interesting to listen! haha... and yeah came home to eat dinner after that and to watch F1 and now i'm here.... blogging and talking to Bin, Caesar and Jason online! haha.... so yup! Interesting and long entry this is! Haha.... who ever bothered reading! I hope you would be blessed!

I got school tmr so i have to go off soon! i'm gonna lay low and be a mute if i have to! I really thank those who have been there for me! You all know me for the longest time since i was young and i'm glad to have you in my life! A blessing indeeed! Oh wells..... Heading off!!!! Oh and i also thank God For classmates like Bin and Sam! They are really Encouraging! only thing i don't hang around them as much! so yeah! God help me this week! Amen! haha..... Good night love ones! Have a good week ahead!

Jesselene Loves you! God loves you too!!!! You are all special and all deserved to be loved!

Adios. Te Quiro,
Jesselene

2008-09-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,
hear this song i sing as long for you more and more. You Are My Everlasting. Guide me today i pray! In You I place my trust!

I want to sing
Until I am lost in Your love
Till I'm found in Your presence
Worshipping before your throne
Held by Your spirit
Entering into Your flow
How precious this moment
Lord I want you to know

It's You
You who have won my heart
Taken me into Your arms
Comforted me like a friend
Your love
Surrounded me from the start
I never want to be apart
From You ever again

I Never Want To Be Apart
From You Ever Again!

What will people think
When they hear that Im a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that its true
I dont really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There aint no disguising the truth!!!
- DCTalk!

Jesselene signing off!!!

Jesselene is Feeling refreshed a renewed.....
.....Loving Friends and Foes.....
.....Even the non deserving deserve to be loved!

I want....

2008-09-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

I want babies!!! I want them to have beautiful eyes, hair and skin!!!! Oh My Gosh!!!! babies so cute!!!!! Nabilah you better not laugh ah!!!! Babies not at 20 la!!!! maybe 22 or 24 or 26 but not older!!! oooooo babies!!! I'm crazy alrd! Me want 2 girls 2 boys!!!

haha... crazy now!
Te quiro,
Jesselene

I Love My Ex Clique!!! My Sayangs!

2008-09-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

MY SAYANGS!!!! i miss you all alot! I thank God For For You 6 (plus Fahmi la!)

School may stress me up and the people at school may be nasty but as long i know i have friends that care and that i know will be there for me always, i'm happy! Indeed I'll feel lost without them but hey its alright! Cause even when they aren't around physically i know i ain't forgotten! They are people I've known for a long time and I'm glad we still keep in contact! I love Nabs, Syaz, Syaf and Lyn (who ain't there ytd)! I mean i aprreciate Ismail and Fahmi too la but funny sia to say i love you!!!

Anyway we went Geylang ytd to jalan jalan and for the experience. Ismail also had to buy his baju for Hari Raya! haha.... Here are the photos. Most credits to dearest Ismail!!! He just loved playing with my DSLR camera!!! Funny Boy! still the same! like to disturb disturb only eh! Step my toes somemore! hehe! but that nvm la! haha.... okies Photos of people i truly hold dear to my heart!

Cover cover seh!!! think funny ah??? actually fun la!*

NABILAH!!!!!

Senorita!!!

Syaz!!!

Syaf!!!

Ismail!!!!

Us!!! Love Love!!!

Syaf and me!!! my ex partner in crime in class!!!
Fishermen's friend!

I love this shot!

Oh My... I so love this can!!! Thank you Ismail!!!!

They Are My Happiness!!! Forever will be!!!
*Geylang so crowded!!! hehe.... me want hari raya tarts! Gonna get fat on it!
muahaha!

**today is a sucky day and my heart got burned by alot of people. like a dagger piercing my heart and being turned before retreating out! Yes it hurts super badly but i decided to take it! truth hurts but it could be contructive! so i won't want to write much about it as many of them read my blog and i don't want them to get the wrong idea cause i do care for them! when will i be understood instead of misunderstood! why do i teasure people so much! I guess This is a lesson to learn for me! nothing is as we see it to be! I only have God now and that's all i need i guess however painful it would be to get through this!

Yings i love you for being there for me today! I can't wait to meet ya tmr! I misss you like crazy too baby! haha.... till than! Jesselene signing off!!!

Oh and happy birthday to my beloved guitarist!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!

To Remind Myself!

2008-09-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

This Was A Testimony That I Wrote Last Year. In times Like These I Really Want To Be Reminded Of How He Loved Me And Never Forsaked Me! So I'm Posting This Here For Me And For Others Reading That You May Be Blessed. Know That Someone Cares!

In my Days of Darkness…God is There
by Jesselene Liew

A few months back, I was on a down in my walk with God and it angered me so much that I was on the verge of giving up in Christianity. On 14 July, Cheryl asked me if I was going for the worship ministry Pre-Service Prayer (PSP) but I hesitated because I did not want to go as a hypocrite. However, I went after spending like five minutes or so procrastinating outside the room, as there was something strong from within that was nudging me to go. It was there that the presence of God was so strong and real that I broke down and cried my heart out. I did not really know why I broke down in that manner but it felt like my spirit was crying out and that I had a sudden hunger and thirst for God! It was really hard to describe but anyway I felt very embarrassed and left the room after PSP, hoping no one would ask any questions. I was kind of self- conscious about this thing, though I did not know why I should be.

During service that day, something amazing happened. God answered my prayer of showing Himself and speaking to me in a way that I was never spoken to before. Visions!

I saw a person in a white robe but I could not see his head much because the background was too bright. I then saw a girl between five to seven years old running into his arms and shouting the name "daddy"! As she did that, she started to cry. When the father wrapped his arms around her, something strange happened!

Shadows emerged from her back. The first one was mild, the second one bigger and the third one was gargoyle like. The last one was a huge ugly one with big feathery wings like an owl but way bigger. It was horrendous! Suddenly, all of them disappeared due to the glorious light of the father. At that moment, I felt a sudden gush of joy and comfort. I was home at last.

The next week, I saw more visions of God. During the Saturday worship, God professed his love for me and affirmed it. I saw Him embrace me with loving hands and telling me that He loves me so much, even during the times I was down in the dark. Amazingly, he never gave me up and I felt a love that I had never felt before. Then He danced around me with joy and I danced with Him! How I wished I could enjoy His presence every day and I know that this can only be if I seek him more.

The following week, it happened again and this time I was back dancing with Daddy. I began to question why everything bad was happening to me in my life and He said I was not letting go of all my baggages. I realised I was not ready to trust God enough and questioned myself why I was not. Daddy then picked me up and placed my little feet on His big feet and hand in hand we walked around the "room", like how penguins do with their little ones. He said that if we walked like that all the way, everything would be alright.

The week after that was healing service and I saw myself sitting down, knee to chest talking to Daddy! I just had a very stressful week and everything seemed to be going wrong. I failed my exams and was having endless conflicts at home. I was tired and weary! Then I saw Daddy come and sit next to me. He took me in His arms brought me to lean on His chest and rocked me like a baby! I know it was funny but I felt peace and joy. He kept reassuring me not to worry and reaffirmed His love for me. He told me that everything was going to be alright and it felt wonderful!

Recently, I had a heated argument with my mother and sister. It was dreadful especially when it was just after church. All I could do was cry to God till I slept. I woke up early the next morning and grabbed my guitar and started worshiping God. I do not usually do this everyday but well I did and started crying all over again! I was lost and angry and asked God for a vision again to prove that He was still there and had not abandoned me. I then saw a kindergarten and parents waiting for their kids at the main gate. I saw a girl aged three or four running to her Daddy's open arms. He asked me how my day was and I told him it was bad. He picked me up and carried me like a baby and said that I could cry on his shoulders and tell him my problems. I clanged my arms around Daddy's neck and started sobbing again on his shoulder as he carried me. We were going home but what really amazed me was the fact that he answered my prayers.

Kudos to our God's amazing love!

Poems of my thoughts!

2008-09-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

OK so now its late and alot has happen recently!

been real emotional abt alot of things and well I'll do more updates on it all maybe tmr when i have more time. Right now I'll just note down the poems that has been building up through my week expressing alot of what i am feeling and thoughts!

Although emotional, it has been a ride that has me moving into a thinking stage and well it has been awhile since i composed poems by my own and all!!! maybe I'll transform it into a song for my band to play but yet its rather emo and i don't really want us to portray that! i don't think the guys would either! so yeah!

Take a read on the poems and comment if you like, I'm open to it! so yup! here it is.... written by Jesselene with heart and soul and mind!

Them!

I drift from friend to friend
Thinking who is really true
Are they just people?
Who exist to be around?
Or are they made,
Voices as sound?
Are they meant to be
Loved and treasured
Are they even worthy
To deserve being pampered?

Those Thoughts

In Time, In Space,
The thoughts i face,
Floods through my head,
All the things that's being said.
When my feelings ring in,
My heart than starts to sink
Tears run, i can't control
Enough is said!
Lord, save my soul!

The Situation

Such Beauty don't always exist
With people in our midst
Pieces fall apart like friends,
Relationships that aren't meant.
How much of life can i take?
Is this all really for my sake?
Do i know what is right?
Or is this all of a hype?
So tell who are really true,
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a fool.
To be with people who care of not,
I hate this situation by a whole lot.

That's it man!!!! for now!!!! I wrote another on the bus to town today and its not really completed so i'll write it down tmr! Jesselene's a poet now! how amusing! Laters people. Sleeping Beauty Needs her Royal Sleep!( so Rubbish!) Good night!

Jesselene-

too busy!

2008-09-17T10:25:00.001-07:00

Willl update soon! lots of new written poems and things in life! all i need now is time! yes and project weeks is up soon! kinda happy but not! oh wells.... soon people! love love!

PS: *Nabilah!!!! get wells soon honey!
** Lyn, Nabs, Syaf, Syaz.... me miss you! sch ain't the same!
*** Yings what's up with you! Among all i miss you the most and yet you ain't there! Where are you?????? missing you all the time! We really need a catch up session! hope you're alright!

Tequiro,
Jesselene

poem.

2008-09-11T10:21:00.001-07:00

This is why we belong together,

Because whenever you smile,
Something deep inside
Urges me to smile back!
Whenever i’m down and i hear ya laughter,
I come alive again.
Whenever i get too excited or agitated,
You know how to calm me down.
I often myself watching your face,
As you talk or when you listen to others.
And just seeing your reactions,
Makes me happy.
I know we belong together because
When you talk you’ll say something
That has been asleep in me for awhile
Or even something i never knew was there
You’re the first person
I want to see in the morning
And the last i wanna touch before i sleep
You’re the one i wanna turn to
When things get rough.
You’re the one i wanna share my happiness with
When things are going great.
The one whom i wanna entrust my dreams and heart.

Waiting...

2008-09-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

WAITING!!!

At the steps i sit down still
Thoughts keep running
How alone i feel
With no one beside me
Wonder if beliefs are real
Love, Life, Everything
There's Time to Kill
Just a figure of speech
My guit laying against the wall
Speaking silent words of singing
Picking it up i begin to play
Satisfaction is all i'm feeling
Such sweet music to my ears
Each note each tune sinking in
My voice rises for all to hear
Ringing ringing and echoing

What's Worth Waitin
Do Dreams come true
My heart's falling
Deep in the sea so blue!

-Jesselene-

Pictures Of us!!!

2008-09-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Take a peek! pictures with beautiful people like Hafiz and Lyana! Love them both! When Lyana set up her new macbook pro!

This is why i Appreciate them and love them! Lyana is someone i can trust and open up to! She makes my day! Hafiz because he makes me laugh even in times of stress!!! =)

There are stuff about others too and why i love them but i'll update another time when i upload more pics of others!

School's tmr so i'm gonna sleep now! Hope this week will be a good one! Will Update soon! =)

Te Quiro!

A Saturday Out swimming and tanning and having fun!

2008-09-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a really good break for me! Had such a fun time just swimming, tanning and chilling out with my classmate and 2 new found friends!

Lester my classmate, Kelly and Roy from the other class from school!! Kelly and Lester are two really nice people! Lester is my classmate so duh!!!! Kelly is cool as she and i have the same interest like dance and so forth!

So yup Lester and Kelly came at 1 pm and we watch some dance stuff on youtube. Than at 2pm we went down to swim. Till like what 4pm?? We had lots of fun in the pool just splashing and all disturbing each other. haha. We than proceeded to tan and boy was the sun really good! haha=)

And we waited to Roy to come! Poor boy was sick and can't swim with us! how sad right??? but anyway while he was on his way to my place from the doctors i manage to complete my laps in the pool cause i was getting bored with just tanning!

So roy came about like what?? 5 plus 6? and yeah it was the first time i actually talked to Roy besides the day when we went to the movies together with the other clasmates too of cause!

He is pretty nice guy! i mean i'm glad to have known him! =) oh and by the way.. it was kel who invited him as three may be a crowd but the more the merrier! He is really outgoing and all! so that's cool!

Just spending time with people... well i grew to figure how beautiful they are as a person! And that includes all three of them really! so yeah i hope to be abl to do that more often! i'm planning of having more of them over next week! although there is work, there must also be time to relax! so yup! that's about it all for my day! They stayed till like 9:15pm as we ordered in pizzas and it was really really nice but it came late so yup! Till next time! i'm pretty tired from all that swimming and all! so have a peek at the pictures taken today by us!

Kelly Relaxing not wanting to be tan at first.

Me while tanning

Lester Sleeping as he tans

Kelly Getting sians

Bullying Lester. The green stuff is aloe vera gel!

Gross eh??? prawn cracker and gel!

Alright! I think i'll hit the sheets now! *yawns! good night! tmr i've got a long day ahead! Intern Jams at church at 10am to 12 and than i'm off to school at 1pm to 7pm!!! madness! oh wells! ok going off now!

***Get well Soon Roy!!!! so you can swim with us! Looking forward to next week!!!

****I'm over him and i'm glad i can concentrate on my work now! Thank God!

***** I Miss My High School Clique! Nabilah, Azlyn, Syaf and Radin! But i miss my bestfriend even more... YINGLING!!!! Baby i miss you! Study hard and hope to see ya soon!

Te Quiro,
Jesselene

Sleepless NIghts and finally good rest today!

2008-09-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Now here's the entry abt the past two days in in school and how God has been so so good to me! Jesus i Love you! And i'll say it out loud that you are good! Love love love love... Jesselene is feeling Loved!!!

haha... So yes the past two nights which is Sunday Night and Monday night i didn't sleep at all! Amazing how i could actually sustain! i don't have any idea how i got the energy!!!! It had to be God! Really! cause i thought i'll faint or pass out but no i didn't. i manage to press down my grouchiness and tried my best not to let the dragon out!

And i didn't let it rain either... as in tears... This past week and this week i couldn't help it! The clouds kept thickening in my mind and my heart and than i could not hold it back! It rain and what sucked even more it rained in public! I hate crying in public. I hate feeling vulnerable. It makes me weak and i hate it so! But I can't help being emotional! The feeling can't be suppressed any further! I miss Yingling! I really do!

Ryan Sim! Thanks for ya Cam! It saved me really! I was so rude and unfair to you and i'm sorry! didn't mean to blow up and be so insistent about things! Was just stressed but yes i should have controlled it! so yeah! Sorry! Thanks for being a life saver! I also apologize to all that i have blowed up at! I really don't mean too! i feel bad when i do! Gosh this is so weak! God help me! So yes Guys i seek ya forgiveness yeah??!!

Anyway... Sunday Night I had to rush on for my Digital imaging project that was due on monday and my grades were on the line! You may ask... Why so Last minute?? But hey i don't have photoshop on my com and my sis only downloaded it for my like what??? SUNDAY NIGHT! so yes i had to work through the night and managed to produce the 4 pieces of work that i needed to hand in. what was left was my Sketch book which i had to do development! I was so doing it the other way round but oh wells! And what sucked even more was that i found out that presentation only hold like what??? 20% of my marks! Argh! And sketch book....80% and guess what! Empty!!!

So yes i went to school planning to fail and upset at it really! But in my heart i was begging for more time. Praying that God will make a way and indeed my Prayers were answered! I sat in class with a very nice presentation but an empty sketchbook in front of me. Afraid of what i was to expect but hey i decided to just start writing at least do some and try to get like some marks rather than a 0% for development.

So i started pasting my pictures and writing why i took it and so forth and guess what! I managed to finish the whole lot which was alot and i didn't even have to wreck my brains to think of what i should do! God is amazing! I just did it and it looked really good to me as my rush work didn't always turn out alright but this was WOW!!! so yeah it reached my turn and i went forth with my work DONE!!!!

So happy! and Guess what i didn't even get any bad comments instead i got it all good! another WOW!!! so that made my day! haha. so let me just put in the pics to show you what i did k! not the sketch book but the four main pics! haha. It is good for a first timer k!=)

Abtract!

Grey Scale!

Full Color!

Monochrome.

Now The presentation look!

This is the Book like album i made.

The first page..... that's my feet! don't mind that!

Upclose!

Second and third page.

Upclose.

upclose Last Pages. Upclose CD Jacket!

Yeah that's about it! On Monday night i was doing my 3d at school till like 10:45pm and well i think it turned out pretty alright! what was left was to do documentation on my sketch book! which i didn't finish in the end even though i took the whole night and well out structure kept changing cause it could not stand properly! how awful! bur hey the next day, it was alright! we managed to use a box to make it stand! here are some of the pics and well it is supposed to be a old school cam that was abtracted from a hamster doll, a revolver, and lego. it was meant to be made a toy! haha... cool eh! most of the cradits to lenny! she rocks! she is life saver for my group! take a look!

while making.

Alright! I've gotta go eat lunch and rush of to school now! Till than!!!=)

*** Eye candy is eye candy but personality is another thing altogether! Now is time for me to concentrate so yes concentration on work! eye candy is the least of my concern! Just a reminder!

Te quiro!
-Jesselene.

Independent Week. Stress and Joy.

2008-08-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

This week is Independent week and For those who don't know what it is, it is the week where students are given the time to complete all the work that has been given or for some of us, being piled up. And we would be assessed when the week is over. In other words it would be grading week next week! It has not really been going well for me as I'm the kind who procrastinates alot and well it takes me alot of effort to actually sit down and focus. Yea... laziness is one of my greatest weakness and i know that as i guess i am really brushing up on it because being in lasalle kinda forces me to and for that i have been under alot of stress not because of work load but because of the amount of effort i need to put in. And that kinda sucks!

I decided to do a check list and i saw how much i have not done! And So i decided to cramp. especially when it comes to research, i'm not all good at it for i just don't know where to start. I'm just glad we started on painting cause that's what i really really like! Painting. I can't wait for photography class because that's what i would love too! So yes i may fail next week but i don't wanna claim it! I really Need God's strength and Help to sustain me through this week! so yes... for those who read this, pray for me ok!!! =)

Anyway, here's pictures taken on monday and tuesday!

Monday- during DI worshop!

Audrey!!!

ooo scary!

Loving them!!!

I love this pic!!!

Tuesday- We went to Bras Basar Complex than Haji Lane to Shop and To go Shisha-ing. I don't smoke by the way but my friends do! but that shouldn't mean for someone to stay away because these minor things no not define a person! If only people can see that!

Bin @ some Guit shop.

Trying the Guit! He's not bad at it really! kinda good!

Audrey and my hand! She was getting Bored! Guitars ain't her thing!

Audrey and I at Haji Lane! I like this pic! hahaa..=)

pretty lights in one of the shops!

waiting for Hakim to join us!

Still Waiting.

And Waiting.

And When she got Bored and played with my phone!

Bin deep in thought!!

While waiting for The other Audrey who over slept.

And She finally Arrived!

The other Audrey @ the back ground! And bin!

Hakim!

Smoke From His Nose! hehe!

And More!

I had to leave early after that and well didnt join them!!! See la! Audrey came late! but oh wells! haha...

The rest of the other days i just kept going back to school with the normal clique of us to study and finish up our work! I feel so Married to my school! Like day and night till 10pm i'll be in school and back home and tada! haha...... ok so if you're wondering why in the beginning i said to prat that i get through the week and now i talk as though i alrd gone through it because i didn't complete this entry! so about what happened this week... next entry! haha.... oh wells! laters than! =)

-Jesselene

How the days seem to pass so fast!

2008-08-21T09:37:00.001-07:00

I.Studies Day!!!

Presenting...
...Class K!!!

Class K For you!!!!

I really really Love a This Pic!
The Girls in there are really dear to me.
From Left: Tika, Sam, Tiffy, Alicia, Me and Rach!

From Black to White. Check Lester Out!
Oh and Bin!!! As Usual! Spaz!

Pics Like These need no words to explain.
Cool and Spaz probably!

Closest Friend In The Class So far! Dearest One!
Samantha!!!

Slacking In the Toilet During Break!
Sam and I!

And Yes The Vain part of me!

During Lunch! Sam & I!!!

During Lunch!!! Sam & I!!!

Sam and Hat!!!

Sam And I Again! Ain't We Just Hot!!!

Me ans Sam Again! Lying On The Grass Patch

Tiffy Is So Cute can??!!! Ai Ni!

Me w/ Hakim's sunnies!

Ah Yes The Background!
Teddie in white & Hakim w/ his mouth open!

Bin Bin, Me and Hakim!

When I came Home!!! Love The Hat!!!

Oolalas... haha...

Yes you may say act cute but ain't i really???
Naturally Adorable?? haha... Oopz! Ego boost!

So Those Are The Photos That Was Taken For Istudies and It was Fun Dressing Up and All! Although Both Sam and My feet Hurts after the whole day cause we were not very comfortable with our shoes! I don't relaly have most of the Pics as it turned out blur so i Deleted it and yeah! the whole idea of why we wore what we wore was to notice and learn about the Diffferent Shades of BLack, Grey and White and also the different textures that exist around us!!
So yeah a pretty boring entry today but i'll update a full when i get all the photos from everybody! so do keep a look out for that!

Gotta go sleep now due to a long day tmr. oh wells Adios!

P.S: Prince Charming that was all that filled my Mind Since the 1st day of school is really irritating me. I nv spoke to him before but he indeed looks like one with a huge ego! Huge ego= turn off! Woman no Chance! Indirectly Gay! OH wells.... another talk for another day! Jess is knocking out now!

Love Loves!!!!

His Beauty Atracts me so deeply! Yummy Distraction!

2008-08-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Here i am suppose to be doing my research but i give up cause i can't really find much on local artists or maybe i'm too lazy! i don't know which is which but i guess i'll just blog today!I seriously miss my darlings you know. Nabilah, Syaf, Syaz, Alyn and of cause My ever so beloved Yingling! I miss having them to rant at and to talk abt life. They're so busy and i can't blame them at all cause indeed school is a main priority especially when Exams are around the corner.

My gosh.... I'm so stressed i seriously feel like breaking down and just spend a day at the beach to quieten my life for abit and like reflect on what is going on! I wish i could have a shoulder to lye on and cry! Not that i can't take pressure but i just need to let it out sometimes. You may ask "don't you have friends in school?" Yes i do but not necessarily close yet and also Its only the 3rd week! i can't possibly have such close friends yet! Imagine ranting to someone who like only knows you for a few days. Its just so crazy. What i need is a day out with no work and a hug! I miss yings alot! babe do you see this! Jesse needs you man! but i don't expect you to come either cause you need to study and i would want you to score well and achieve ya dream of getting into law. Baby Jia You!!! Sigh....

I never expected school to be so stressed and all. I think on thursday afternoon, i'm gonna sit down and write all the homework since 1st week till now and create a check list, than from there, do up my sketchbook properly. After which i would carry on to creating a journal. And from there, I'll plan my week and hope to stick to it! I can't afford to fail at all! I don't want to either. competition is really high up there and i need to buck up quick. So after the planning, i'll only start work on sunday. I"m gonna spend my saturdays with myself and God. I"m gonna just let go seriously as i don't think i can hold on any time longer. The pressure is driving crazy.

Recently ever since i became classrep, i decided to be a blessing to everyone and that includes alot of change for me as i guess i'm trying hard to be less bitchy and watch what i say as i have the tendency to hurt or offend peple without realizing it and it has been a really bad habit that i find very hard to kick! I hate being a person which people love to hate and hate to love. It really sucks! And although in my class there are some people which i can't stand but i'm giving myself another one month to get to know each and everyone well enough! I love those who have been hanging out and because i'm a people person, i tend to treasure people more than anything else. So yup! My Goal for this month till next week. I getting abit tired so i guess i'll go to bed earlier today! tmr is i-studies... its going to be fun la. haha...... watch out for photos after tmr.... haha can't wait! its so gonna be cool! till next time than.

te quiro! Adios!
Senorita Jesselene!

Busy Busy Busy

2008-08-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

If i don't update now i don't know when i'll ever do it as school is driving me super duper up the wall! Like i don't even have time for myself. Even now as i update now i'm eating into my study time..... not gonna sleep tonight and i know nearly everyone i talk to is not gonna sleep tonight. We've been working like all round the clock! i feel so inferior around the people i mix with because they are like really really good and i'm not even up to comparing with them as i think if i were to compare, they would be 300% better than i am. But oh wells i really pray hard that i can keep up!! i need people like Nabilah last time to chase me to work and nag me to concentrate because i'm like a slacker and a procrastinator which is horrible cause people like me would not be able to survive in my school at all! So i'll do less talking for now and try to update more another time as i have to go off soon! For now i would just upload pics that a group of us took on Hafiz new com! haha..... super fun! check it out k! craziness is indeed the drug to stress relieving! haha.... enjoy! Oh and its like 110 worth of pics i think so i'll just ditch it all in here randomly! not all! haha...

till next time. adios... te quiero!