Let me start with this Vid. An awesome song that i found posted by a friend on facebook! Got it stuck in my head and now i'm wanting to do a duet with someone. I'm still in search for the right person i can start to duet with and write songs with! its my dream. And i really wish for it to come true. Really! i have yet to find that someone.... sigh...

God send me the right guy! ok sounds wrong but send me the right person that i can have the same level of connection in this field... know what is ideal??? to write and direct films and when a project is done, i still can relax and sing my heart away at the pubs and bars. Wouldn't it be just so lovely... Gig and films and just enjoying the wonders of life. That would be heaven for me. i mean here on earth. Here's another lovely song.... i'm not desperate but i wanna find someone to write and sing with.




Ah wells. In love with a dream. Sigh.... Shy that way!


Anyway here's my updates.

I'm in KL now and i'm not exactly enjoying myself but i am loving the little things in life. Here's a few things i love here and would make me miss this moments as i hate going back to reality.

1) I love just standing under the rain-shower and letting the water run over my naked body. And closing my eyes enjoying that surreal moment of listening to the echoing of the sound of running water from the wide shower head to the tippy tappy on the marble floor. OH with the touch of near hot water as it caresses my skin top to bottom. I can live with that really everyday, I know people will say... i'm the cause of the lack of water in this world. HACK! water takes up like most of the surface area of the world. But yes i know its the money concern! gee..... ah wells... living life like there's no tmr. The world is fortunate that i don't have a rain shower back home. only in this hotel.

2) After that lovely running of water..... there is a bathtub next to the shower in the toilet of this hotel and coming out and having a nice dip in the warm to hot tub of water is the best. Soaking there and pinching my nose going underwater. It feels so great. All i hear is the streaming of water and my heartbeat. Awesomeness..... all my busy thoughts go blank (shuts up) and i can think. i can relax after a few dips and feel like falling asleep in the tub but then it hits me.... there are others who needs a bathe too so i would have to get out after awhile and dry myself. hahaha.... shivers would be sent down my spine as i exit the bathroom in my boxers and sleeveless t-shirt into the chilly air conditioned bedroom. haha...

By the time you finish reading that i hope you didn't go all visual on me. Its just these little things in life that i appreciate and take full advantage of in hotels.... or even when i'm away on holidays....

3) I love jumping flat unto the bed and sinking my face into the nice feather-filled pillows. The cold sheets warming under my body! Ah the love of just rolling and tumbling on the queen size bed. hahaha of cause i share it with my mum but still today i was left alone on my bed when she was out. hahaha. then of cause you could have predicted i fell asleep with my dream catcher next to me.

ok so now you would have thought.... Jesselene is enjoying the hotel room more than the shopping. YES I AM!!!! the hotel seems so much more appealing to me really.... KL doesn't have much sights and sounds. hahaha. SO i LOVE LOVE LOVE the hotel.

Today i bought a book that was simply lovely and i read it all by late afternoon. In like 5 hours??? thats so amazing right? Its written by James Peterson! I forgot the title. Its about a girl who could never forget her imaginary friend even though he left her when she reached the age of nine. And she meets him for real when she is much much older and finds out that he is her true love of her life and yeah.I shouldn't spill too much of the story cause its awesome and you should go check it out. If this writer is alive in six to eight years time i would love to make his story into a film if he permits. Six to eight years gives me time to still make it in the industry. =) Hopefully!

ANYWAYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy...... can the "y" get any smaller??? chey! no fun! hahaha. ok anyway.... yeah i spent the while time alone in the room reading and stuff.... i love such times. so yes! NOW LETS SEE WHAT I BOUGHT.....

1) A film pendant which looks awesome. i love film without all the political shit! hahaha so that is my motivations.

2) A DREAM CATCHER TO WEAR ON MY NECK! YAY.....love love dream catchers and wind chimes. i'm a bohemian girly with a taste of some Rastafarian stuff. hehe. honey don't judge me... don't judge this beauty baby! you know her not!

3) I bought the book i told you about.

4) Hand accessory ???? still the bohemian baby you know.

what else is there???? nothing much.... today is my last day so yeah...i drag going home. I wanna another few more days here. Alrights gotta log off now.... before i nagged away from the com. hahahaa..... update soon! love you all


And i'm missing a few people this minute.
I'm missing, Lyana and Madinah
I'm missing Nabilah and Azlyn and Syaf
I'm missing Yings and shanker and the bunch of guys.

I'm missing.... the one from my dreams which i had a few weeks back and i want him to visit me again cause it made me happy! it made me not wanna wake up because he was awesome. hahaha

Alrights goodnights world!

Love always,
Jesselene






I have to Write! I cannot not write down my thoughts. I'll just explode. I don't have any idea what may come out but i guess i really need a space to blah it all out.

I'm just so frustrated at what's going on in life. School, my friends, my family, my cell group, church and even myself.

Its come to a point that i ask myself. Is it me? am i the problem??? Why doesn't it seem that anyone else is going through it. I mean i hate being broke all the time. The stupid money status of my life. I'm not asking to be rich. All I'm asking is to be in a state where i can think about everything instead of money money money money!

Like half the time I'm broke although people may not see it and well i compliment myself as a really good actress. And when i come home, i hear about bills, debts and about all sorts of things. when is it all gonna stop???

Half the time i go out i see something that is what i really like, a tiny thought would crop into my head and say "jesselene you have no money! no point asking mum or dad. You'll just gonna get another hearing. if not, mommy will start pawning jewelery again." And it hurts real bad knowing that my mum is pawning all the things mattered a lot to her. But how can i help??? i meaning school i try my best not to eat or snack too much. I hardly buy things for myself. I think i spend more on people than myself. I guess there's only a certain percent that we can actually go ahead and bless.....

I need a laptop currently cause its really driving me nuts having to come home to do my work and work late into the nights plus all the other inconveniences. But can i ask my parents for it??? NO! i can't cause i know they would not be able to afford it.

I needed a cam but i was too afraid to ask so i kept borrowing and thought of renting cause i can't always borrow as my classmates need their cams for their projects as well so i asked if i could just rent. My dad the calculations and thought that an investment would be much better compared to the amount of renting every now and then. So yes. I kept wondering where he got the money to get it and guess what! End up i found out that he is in debt because of it. I feel bad yes but what can i say now. Yes i appreciate it but half the time when i go out, it does not make me a proud owner of the cam when people ask about where i got the money to get the cam. I mean indeed my dad blessed me with it but would the world be able to look at it in that aspect?

I don't care if its Christians or not. I have my fair share of some christians who are plain liars and heartless pieces of crap! yes i know i don't have any right to judge but hack! this is how i feel now. They go to church eveyr week and they wouldn't even look us in the eye. What kinda cell mates are they??? And my parents are struggling to even go to church in fear that they may just bump into them. I shall not relate out the whole story as it may becom disrespect to my parents' personal space. Half the time my parents are like heys don't bring the cam, don't eat expensive and what's not. WHY? because PEOPLE ARE WATCHING..... yeah because they are watching. Does that mean then i have to always live like a Beggar?

I'm not mocking beggars. they are fine. I meant that's life as we know it and sometimes as much as we want play saviour of the world, we just can't.

I can literally memorize all the phrases used at home because of money and it comes to a point that we just break. Into anger, rage , hurt and sadness. I have yet to understand why this has to happen to my family. What have we done wrong midway. WHAT???!!! i wish i could rewind time to where i was born and when all things was still bright and beautiful and i can rmb being such a happy child and a ball of sunshine to everyone i met. I was so confident and sure of myself. Then what happened??? i BECAME HOW I AM TODAY.

I won't say its a good thing nor would i say its a bad thing. It just sucks to certain extend. I just hate the way things are. I hate it that my dad has gone into depression. I hate it that my mum is suffering. I hate it that my bro has to mature fast because of the situations at home. Its sad he never really had a fun childhood or teenage years like any other boy because our family is different. I hate it that i have lost my confidence and my life to what i have became.

Sure i have grown spiritually mature, but sometimes....i really wanna be a kid again. I wanna run around free like a bird. I would know not what money is, I would just play. I would have people telling me i would a man killer and that i was the most beautiful thing that happened to the world. but then,..... that has all disappeared. Is it because of me??? Am i a disappointment??? am i???

I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. I know music but i don't. i know art but i don't. i know everything but i don't. and i am smart but i am not. Am i confusing you? but that's how i feel. Its so unfair sometimes. I wish life took a different turn. I really want a breakthrough this Christmas. If only God would hear my cry and grant me this wish. I don't want to have lots of gifts or fakeness. I just want to be happy everyday. I want to be worry-free. I just wanna feel loved everyday instead of having to psycho myself to be happy. Its getting more and more tiring each day.

Who can i talk to? here??? even here, there's a limit. cause i have to be careful. And to God??? yeah sure but i guess its just different. I used to have a best friend but i guess she disappeared when we grew up and went our separate ways??? do i have a close bunch of friends?? yeah i do i suppose but they have gone with the wind. Is it their fault? NO! its not. cause that's life. What can i say? I'm just unhappy about it.


Today i hurt my mum with my words and actions.... who else have i hurt??? how can i just go up and sing as if everything is ok? how can i say its a happy day? I feel so unclean unside. So lost i can't continue. Till than people. Pray for me. Its getting really hard to stay on track. what you read here is only like 3 percent of what actually is like now.

I"m just so lost.

Jesselene.






Here's a testimony that i have been waiting to have it shouted
out to the world to let the whole world know, let the whole world know.....
( sorry the song joy is the flag is in ma' head man! whoops ok and back to writing!)

As most of you know i have been working in in a shopping center under the sports department selling extremely overpriced bikinis which are designed and imported. yup! Sounds really good eh but not only that i was not really paid much. However that aside, i loved the fact that i was given the chance to interact with people and serve them. Really.... i love serving people even if they were most irritating cause that increases my level of patience. yup! No kidding.

As much as i dislike certain factors, i went ahead and stick to the job knowing i got accepted by God's grace and he had a purpose for me being there.

As time passed, somehow i begin to develop more dislikes than likes regarding my job as an retail assistant. It wasn't the customers or the colleagues i worked with although they did get on my nerves sometimes. Recently it was the boss. Yes now this is not gossip but i need you to understand why i hate it and how it turned out for good in the end.

I thought my boss as a really nice person although my colleagues did speak ill of her sometimes. In my heart i was thinking that they exaggerated and she couldn't be that bad. Almost all of them were afraid of her and it as a wonder to me why until recently when i was sent to the office to work with her in packing and preparing for the opening of Orchard ION because we were opening another shop there.

She was a total nightmare. She was the kind which even a NICE person like Gandhi or Mother Theresa would want to shove her head in the toilet bowl and flush it than bang it against the wall till her skull cracks like a the shell of the egg which we eat half boiled every morning. Yum! I'm kidding. Like ewww! ( i'm exaggerating but you get what i mean. )

I won't really say much about what she did but just know by what i described, she is that bad! I admire those who stuck with her so long. But as they say it was for the money and all they could do is gossip about it among themselves at lunch time. Which ain't that good.

Anywayyyy.... i tried my best to keep thinking what would Jesus do and smiled when the rest talked bad about her during lunch but it got to the point i had to let it out so i kinda blare and rant it all out on the phone during lunch to my dearest classmate Lyana who i am so grateful to for being sucha darling and letting my RAH it all out. Great friend babe! Love you!

Anyway i kept repeating
- "I hated my job and i wish i could get out of here if i could only find another job!"
- "Like what am i still doing here?"
- "Why species like hers was even born! Contaminating our world really. No wonder Earth needed saving."
- and yes alot of " OMG! ARGH! THAT ^&*^#$%& (&^*(&#&* BITCH !!!!!"


Now now, i know you guys would go "JESSE!!! Watch your language!" But i was that fed up and the bottle in me was shaken too hard that it just popped open like a champagne bottle.

That all happened on Thursday. She still wanted me to work the next day although she scheduled it as a day off when she did the schedule for everyone. I wanted to say ok as i pitied my colleagues and really wanted to help them so that i could share the load of stuff my boss was issuing to them and prevent further cursing and sarcasm. Boy she really needs a taste of her own medicine really.

BUT after that day i really needed and break so i decided to reject her request and said i couldn't shift my appointment just for her. I did apologize to my colleagues and told them that if they really needed help i can secretly come down when she was not there cause i don't want her to hold me back. She is doesn't pay me OT when she often holds me back Overtime. Probably accumulated like at least a day of OT! I do have a home to return to you know. So yup!

I called my bunch of school friends which i am grateful to God for even though i only knew them for 1 year! Awesome people. you guys make me happy! Yeah i planned to meet them for lunch and hang out after sending mum for BRT treatment. HAd an awesome time catching up by the way.

OKAY HERE'S THE AWESOME PART!

FRIDAY MORNING, 9AM @ AH MEI'S CAFE NOVENA HAVING BREAKFIES WITH MOMMY.
(Convo not to its exact words but the main points the same)

*phone rings
Jesselene: Hello?

Ms Hafizah: Jesse you busy?

Jesse: Nah what's up!

Ms Hafizah: when's your sch hols over?

Jesse: August! Why?

Ms Hafizah: You interested in coming back to school to help the students with art?

Jesse: (thinking.... not sure. got work leh! want to but no time! Sigh. sadness! )
YEAH. I don't mind.
( WAIT! WHAT DID I JUST SAY? CRAP!!!! oh no how???? mouth too loose! Darn!!! )

Ms Hafizah: ok can you come down tmr morning? I'll explain to you everything than. I'll probably talk to the principle about you being a temp/relieve teacher part time. is that ok?

Jesse: (OMG did she just say temp staff meaning i'm getting paid?) Did you just say relieve teacher?

Ms Hafizah: Yup! Gotta talk to the P first about your pay.!

Jesse: ok sure see ya in the morning! THANK YOU MRS ANWAR!!!!!! ( She's married now! hehe )

Convo ended! i scream in with my mouth open but with silence. This must have been a dream.

1stly, its chai chee. Didn't i say when i graduated I'm never stepping foot in the grounds of chai chee ever again?

2ndly, This must be God! really! And whats even awesome is that i didn't even pray, It was an awfully horrid feeling. as the day before cause i cursed and swear and that is absolutely sinful. A great Pang hit me. I felt darn guilty but it was a lesson learnt. WHY?

LESSON BECAUSE, firstly, God saw my heart. He knew me best, He heard the cries of my heart, felt and saw the hurt i went through with a smile, heard the curses she screamed at me when i didn't do it right innocently.

He knew exactly what i was thinking and although in my heart i longed and seeked for something better, i never spoke or asked him. But He still opened the door and embraced me in! And HE also FORGAVE ME. for the words i used. For the curses i screamed out. For the images and film i created in my mind. For the evil thoughts i gave in to while thinking. And HE LOVED ME EVEN WHEN I FELL AND STRAYED TO THE WORLD!!! How AWESOME is He.

I don't believe in fate, I don't believe that things just happen. I believe in Destiny, Purpose and Life. I am a believer of what i see, hear and feel vertically and horizontally.

So yup! Praise God.

My vow now to be a blessings to the students i meet. I know i am a carrier of love. Made unique and given the gift. Yes i know i am called. Maybe not to the nations yet.

AS the saying goes, Ministry starts from home. Although there is a literal meaning to it, I meant Singapore as Home. Its starts here and than to the nations. Now it starts from Me, My family, My friends, My school, the people i meet and the lives i have yet to encounter. God be my guide.

So that's my testimony. So far so good. My students are alright. only met a few as the rest are way too lazy but meeting them ALL tmr! bless them! For they are special is His Eyes!

Alrights! haha that's all! =) Will update on how school goes! YEEPEE!!!!!!






Ok Now here's the other post. wrote it last week but didn't manage to post it up so here it is.

I'm gonna start off with......

I'm so glad God gave me a priceless gift to give to my future husband. I seriously think the virgin ring is a good habit to cultivate to the younger ones.
Oh and by the way...
Virgin ring... You may be wondering what that is... Here's the explanation.

A person who is a virgin wears the ring as a reminder of the precious gift one holds and as a commitment as well.

The ring is worn on the married finger and is presented to the husband or wife during engagement as a symbol and gesture of one presenting themselves as virgins to their love one. Yup. I think that's so totally cool.

Preserving ya Virginity could be a hard battle but one worth fighting for to give the person who will share ya life with you till death. This meaning Both man and woman inclusive.

I Learned that yesterday through a very very meaningful and impactful sermon! ALL should go download it to listen. Its really good for both Christians and Non-Christians. Would post the link up here soon!

All i can say is i'm proud to still have that one priceless and utmost gift to give my love when its due time. =) I'm proud to be a virgin! yes yes yes! You think i'm crazy???? well well not that i despise the non virgins. I love them as normal people but think about it. to the still virgins....What value do you have left when you give someone a gift that can only be given to one and no one else. its not something that can be done again you know.

Unless Jesus heals you!

If you want to be a virgin again because deep in your heart you know that its pure! I can pray for you! Indeed even you can pray for yourself! Just believe and have faith cause i know i have faith that it can be healed! Be blessed this week all my loves. I'm gonna have a great time for the next two weeks at ssm and i can't wait!

More to come people. Love you all and rmb that i am always here if you need me. NEVER EVER think you're unloved cause there are people who care about you! You just have to open your eyes and your heart and you can find them! =) Yes??? Huggs to the world! =)

~ Jesselene ~

PS: i had an awesome time clearing my stuff today! found my old primary school hymn book and could not stop going through them again and again. Found old photos of my self, my friends and alot of letters and memories! no wonder i miss so many people. even those who are hardly close to me anymore.

PPS: Glad tom is back in Singapore. Welcome back! =) okies... time to sleep! need to be at church super early tmr! haha. love love all!






Hola! como estas everyone?

Its been awhile since i last blog and this always happens! i try to commit my time to doing this blog thing but as i mentioned previously. DAD has been controlling my time on the com which some may say ridiculous but i'll admit, i use the com to do everything except the necessary and all at home thinks its a darn waste of electricity ( and somehow i wonder why watching television is not cause know its always on till late for some reason!) So yup! but i'll update as much as i can!

lets start of with some really really GOOD NEWS!

I got into my First Choice which is FILM!!!!! so Yay! Its really God which made it happened!

Why i believe so??? Cause many of my classmates which were BETTER than me either failed, had to repeat another year or go for a second review. Most of them were actually better than meCache-Control: max-age=0

Fspan>. I admit that i didn't complete alot of my assignments, i sucked at some modules and i did work hard but not smart PLUS I procrastinate alot.

So to me chances of even getting through to the next level would be less than 10% cause most of my friends completed all their work and not only that. They were GOOD at what they do! Yeah sure i was good with my history, my skill in writing and also my creativeness but ask me to do 3d or like paint a really GOOD picture, I practically suck compared to those fine arts students. THAT was how bad things were.

But God was ever so faithful to me. He knew my heart and although i can say i was utterly discouraged when my family was not really into me pursuing film, i had friends who questioned me about whether this was what i truly desired which caused me to doubt myself cause i know i have lots of short lived passions or rather i have passion for lots of things and lacked focus. I have people telling me how hard the industry is and that i would not really survive if i was so nice and being the way i am i'll be pushed around easily and stuff. GOSH!!!!!

I was really really brought to tears cause i know this was what i wanted! I always wanted to tell express myself and i never ever got a chance to! I mean yes i write hundreds of poems and i composed my own personal songs, i dream alot and yes i wish that not only will i get to express it under hidden covers but people would be able to see it too!

And chances of me ever being a singer is very slim and if chances of my poems ever getting out there to create an impact in some lives are gonna be so small than shouldn't this be a chance for me??? To actually study film and learn the traits and start somewhere???? What makes it so difficult??? Why should i only express for myself to see when i could express and help those who are feeling the same way to know that they are not alone and that what i do could encourage the discourage, comfort the disheartened and bring joy to those who need it.

ANYWAYSSSSSS...... I am so so grateful to those who were there for me. That includes Nat and Joline and Joy and some others. Including my ex cell, my current cell and also the music min. They were so encouraging. And i thank God for working through them.

I was so discouraged for a week and just shared it with a couple of people and while they prayed for me, God gave such assurance by placing words in their hearts and giving them visions for me. It was hard for me to keep those tears from flowing out! And every week, the word FAITH kept appearing to me and also the whole DO NOT WORRY thing in the bible was being brought up many times. God surely doesn't let you go! He is indeed faithful. He has so much faith in me even when i was faithless. He never gave me up or let me down. Indeed he was a true father and friend.

I love you God and that's something my heart will always sing. I know that i sin and am not fit to even call myself a christian. But you! You brought me in, loved me, cared for me, Hugged me, Comfort me and kept me going. How am i to ever say i never felt love when love has always been there for me. Its quite hard to say i'm not a christian when i believe in Him. So even my own parents ask how can you ever call yaself a Christian or they can tell me to not bother going to church being the way i am but how can i do that???? Even when i wanna run away, His love for me draws me closer like a magnet! Oh Lord for that i thank you! I thank you for giving me what my heart desires and I pray with all my heart to have the " your thoughts is my thoughts." habit.

So Yes i got into film and i am so grateful!

Another thing i'll like to share is that recently I wish i had the chance to dance for my daddy. I don't mean the one on earth! I mean God. He is my true Father. Every time i worship, i play and visualize in my mind dancing for God.

Last week during service, when the pastor ask us to just soak and have a private time with the Lord, I was so so tempted to go back stage to really have a private space to dance for my Lord but i guess i just didn't dare get up and walk back stage and that was a flaw cause i was just not satisfied. This week when i worship, I really wanted to not be in the choir for once cause i wanted to worship God on the floor to have that personal time with him without worrying about stage presence and lack of space and embarassment. I wanted to be there on the floor at the corner just worshiping God using my own form of expression and with my own private space. But i just didn't dare to ask or even do it. I don't exactly know what i fear but i know my heart really wanted to make that connection with God.

Oh how i really long for that touch and time with my heavenly daddy.

Oh i have one last thing to share but i guess i'll write it in the next post. hahaha cause this is getting too long! so yup! Adios people. Hope you've been touched!

Oh and for those who think i'm a freak? i'm not ashamed to say i'm a Jesus freak! Really from what i said?? you can tell!

I don't think Christianity is a religion. I think its a love relationship with God. One which i never regret getting into and one that would never ever break my heart cause God is ever so faithful. Really! so yup! till the next post loves. =)

my memories ;

Thursday, May 28, 2009

7:57 AM

I'm missing so many people like right now that i can cry!!!!!

I miss Yingling and the Boys.
I miss my lasalle Clique.
I miss Nabs and gang.
I miss my ex-cell.
I miss my sweethearts.
I miss Godma!
and Above all things, I miss GOD!!!!!

sigh.....

this are my thoughts like now!

Love,
Jesselene


PS: can't write more cause dad lock the com! how bad can things get? ALOT. sigh and i'm turning 19. OMG! THAT SCREAMS OLD OUT LOUD!!!!! sigh.

my memories ;

Monday, May 4, 2009

2:14 AM

Found this on my of my favorite drummer's blog - Elliot James from Hey monday.
and i guess this really had me playing it over and over again!

my memories ;