I've been thinking quite a lot about this guy i met randomly at a festival market one day.
I know i draw myself a bubble of trying so hard not to show it but i think i do quite a lot.
I wish there was something about him that i can say i hate and that would make it so much easier for me to forget that he is worth liking. Its just his personality, his voice and the fact that he is so charming and innocent enough. Plus he is one of the few virgins i actually know. Ok that seems like i'm on a virgin scout but seriously. He has what i see in a guy. Probably because he met the mark that SW has engraved in my heart. What can i say that is bad about him except that he lied to me ytd.
No that didn't make me angry. It just made me sad of why he did that. Maybe he really likes her?! I kinda suspected. He chases me off by going "nytnyt" and i feel so horrendous. I feel unwanted. I feel like a nuisance and he probably is regretting ever to hop onto my project. He should have known earlier. I can't make it up to him cause he won't let me. He will think its my excuse of wanting to ask him out. when in fact i feel so sorry for even having him there. He should not have said yes no matter how nice he is.
Ok so i accept the fact that i would not be able to have him as my man. Never in my dreams Never ever.
I build so much philosophies about love and how i feel about it but when i actually face it, i am kept to being in denial and also within and what i call - fear. Fear of rejection and lack of boldness to even step out and try. I have so many questions and i hate being those insecure woman! It does not work that way. I tell Amanda Yu and even my best friend what love should be like but am i in fact the one calling the kettle black??
Should i use this so called "emo-ness" and channel it to writing music and doing a few songs that could birth out of these experiences? Or should i just keep thinking about it and feeling all sorry for myself that i'll never ever be able to get the right guy?! Should i be letting God take care of such things that only he can control? Maybe i should just leave it at his feet and let him do whatever with my heart. I know he sees my desire but he has more plans for me that i would not even imagine.
So yes i should really give up on this guy and know that we can never happen. I should really start focusing on what is good and what should be done. relationships that are meant to be two way and stuff would happen in its own time. No point rushing it really. Just let it be. The shoot is over so i should really thank God that i would not be seeing him at all. I should definitely keep myself from contacting him. Unless its really really needed. Like the project or the job.
This sucks really but i know i can focus on other things if i will myself to. Tonight it would be just going to cell and spending time with God, then head home for some sleep. Wake up tmr early and head to church, plus try to do some work if possible during lunch break or even tea break. Sunday would be a day of making props. Which is kinda hard but i'll pull through. I wish i could put this on my blog but my classmates would definitely know what is going through in my mind and start being retarded. Ok. i should rest before i reach i think. planning to get dom chocies! :D i know he'll like it The boy loves chocolate and i miss him. Yup i've decided. thought with little money, I'll get him chocs. Its my way of saying i miss them and love them a lot. yup.
ok so here i'll state.
CG I'M GIVING UP ON LOVING YOU, I'M GIVING UP ON THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE NOT IMPT TO ME, YOU DON'T AFFECT ME AND YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER MAN WHO PASSES BY MY LIFE. YOU CREATED GOOD MEMORIES, I DON'T DENY. BUT AS I CAN NEVER HAVE THE SAME LOVE FROM YOU, I DON'T WANNA LET MYSELF DROWN FURTHER. YOU'RE AWESOME AND A BLESSING BUT I REALLY NEED TO SAY THIS. - GOOD BYE CG."
with much sadness, confusion, anger, tiredness and LOVE,
Jesse. - written while on the bus. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Ytd was one hell of a stressful day. Or should i say the past three days.
I'm working on a film with a friend who is in NTU and i think she is an excellent director and i love her. I'm glad she placed me as an assistant director and if she is reading this,
"Babe you're doing a good job! Keep it up! Don't look back and regret! Its all coming along well. Love you dear!"
I'm gonna give her a hug tmr man! Cause i think she really needs it.
The past few days i've been making many many phone calls, bringing myself so low just to ask for help in this project. I know everyone wants to get paid but well.... this is a project that is not one that's sponsored and sometimes if they don't alrd know, getting the money is hard enough. People who don't work in the film line will know nothing about how hard it may get but yeah let me be the first to express. Firstly its really not easy.... money can solve everything but not everyone is that sweet and compassionate in this society so yeah. That explains my stress. To those who offered to help here is my Gratitude to you...
For the Stand-in people.
Thank you Jeremiah, Andre, Derrick, Donna, Wei Bin, Lynne, Aaron and Roy Peng. You guys are so so important and indeed owe you all one! Thanks for taking this up last minute. I promise you that it would not happen so last minute ever again. I'll try anyways.
Seriously..... Jeremiah you are awesome volunteering even without pay and yeah.....
Andre, Gee you never fail to help me all the time since i met you on day 1 and i love love love you a lot bro. Really sad to know that you're leaving for abroad. Will miss you =) ah wells but i know you'll be back! You better if not........
Derrick.... thanks to you too. Even through the short time i know you, you've help me quite abit so yes i'm really grateful. If ever you need my help, i'll do everything in my means to help! that i can assure you.
Donna. OH MY GOD! you're so my bitch darling! you know, i know can alrd! We WILL go shopping and do our thing after that i assure you!
Wei bin and Lynne you both.... awesome couple. You helped me last year and you are helping me this year! I know that i can trust you both.... what will i ever do if i haven't met a blessing like you two! hahaha=)
Aaron and Roy Peng... the brothers i love so dear.... not that you know each other but thanks so much.... Aaron this would be a good experience for you boy for you can decide whether a not this is for you! Roy.... like a older brother i never had.... always looking out for me and making sure by nagging at me to sleep because you care. I appreciate your concern and i appreciate you as a person. God has really blessed me much by placing you and the rest of the cell into my life. Its just so awesome..... i can't believe i was so scared of you when i first met you... haha.... don't throw the chair at me k! kidding.
hahaha.... oh and to my make up artist! OMG WATI..... if you ever see this..... you are God provided.... a blessing... and i am so so so grateful that words cannot express how much i appreciate your services and help!
Yup that's the end of my Grateful list for now....
Sorry now i'm a little distracted.... the ice skating guy is way too hot for words..... and when he skates.... makes me miss my ice skating times... when i used to train until leisure park closed down for awhile. I still have my White Ice skating Boots and they still fit. can you believe that???? Anyone wanna go skating anytime soon???? i'll make time for that date! =) Freak!!! so distracting.... he is so so good! I'm at novena by the way! hahahahaa...... DISTRACTION..... he is dancing to Micheal Jackson! Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha.... ok cheekiness Off!
Ok now back to production.... Time for timeline.....
- woke up in the day to clear the house for viewing....
- Left the house to meet Ridz to discuss the production schedule and so forth.
- Met up, sat at coffee club at siglap and spend the whole afternoon being super stressed. Making phone calls and asking around for a driver for the set, A truck and bus to rent, looking for Stand ins, and so forth... think i used up my whole phone air time.
- It got dark, we both had to head home for dinner and i knew i could no longer deal with it i needed to stress out. so we took the bus he left and i alone trying to destress with my music in my ears.
- While Listening i suddenly had a weird feeling.... You know when your heart feels like it dropped to ya stomach and its really heavy and you just wanna cry??!!! yeah i had that feeling. I didn't understand why either. NOt that i was super stressed but i suppose my heart and mind was crying out for personal me time. to sort my heart and mind out.
- After i got off the bus at tampines, I decided i needed a walk around. I was so tempted to spend money and i admit it was not easy.... i had to keep my hands off my wallet.... I just went window shopping, trying clothes on and not buying them.... just to get my mind off emotional stuff that i can't place down in words.... too personal.
- I got my virgin ring engraved again cause my other ring got all rusty and well it started giving me rashes..... so yeah.... got another one and told my friend i changed my ring so he can look out for me to keep me pure like how i'm keeping a look out for him too..... i explained before why being a virgin to me was most important.... wanna know more.... read my previous post like a few months back.... not very far... a few post back! =) title Virgin Rings.
- I then took a bus home and walked to the pool. Sat down on the tanning chair and closed my eyes. Such peace at 9pm.... with no one around the pool. I let my phone play the song "tears" by X-japan i i just broke down. I couldn't help myself.... i just felt so vulnerable and all i really longed for was to be hugged and to be told i'll be alright.
- As i played the song with my eyes close, I felt comforted. I felt as if someone was sitting beside me and just watching me cry but having that imaginary someone there was very comforting.... i don't know how to explain but but i opened my eyes.... no one was there... but i felt it anyway! i suppose its how music provides comfort. It was like a dream. Like how i had fun with the guy in my dreams... wasn't lustful. it was just having fun and enjoying the best out of life... even if its to the childish things like playing tag or catching some may call!
- I went to the club house to wash my face and headed home..... yup! and turned on my e buddy to rant and got hurt but picked up again by another friend as said in my previous post. so yeah! That was my day..... I thank God i have this day to write out all this.... think my next pitch and script would be on having a imaginary friend who exist in the world but they only meet in dreams.... ain't that like so cool??? Will let you know again after i worked on it. =) hahaha.
Gotta go now. Mummy is done..... till then....
I love you all who been a blessing to me.... don't judge me for being emotional and long winded to a certain extend.... i'm just like that.
Take care and know i love you even if the world thinks you don't deserve it.
Love, Jesselene
my memories ;
7:05 PM
What i'm doing now???? - I'm having coffee @ coffee bean. - Listening to Stephan Jerzak and Chase Coy's "Cute" - Listening to Colin Hay's "I just don't think i'll ever get over you." - And back to Chase Coy's other songs again. Love male vocals some how. haha. - Planning my pitch - Sneak Peeking down at the really cute guy instructor in the ice skating rink! Hot!
Ain't that just so awesome! ok that is random but oh wells i'm just waiting for mum as she went for her chemotherapy. So yeah! hanging around town without cash.... hm better to sit and have coffee and blog maybe. Take a break from working on my script for next year?!?
Ytd i had a good cry by the pool. GOd knows why i'm blogging about it but i plan to open my life to a certain extend here so i don't give a care on who reads it and who judges me. You may think its not very smart but well this is me. I'm the way i am and if you think its attention seeking or its like whatsoever then fine but yes! This is Jesselene Liew. The girl you thought you knew but no one knows me as well as i know not who! yup!
So as i was saying.... ytd after my production meeting with Ridz which ended on a high note because i wasn't ready to express in front of my always so cute, funny and nice producer, i kept my inner stressed feelings till later when i could be all on my own with just nature and me.
The day was stressed enough and my producer doesn't need to know that because he has loads to deal with alrd and the last thing i wanna do is to have my burden unto him. I rather take his burden actually cause i hate to see people stressed as well.
I love what i'm doing but i am just not prepared for it. And what really hurt me the most was when i was ranting to a friend about my stressed time, he told me this which really broke me inside. He said " who ask you to be so hero and take the job up?!"
OK i was not being hero! It all started when i approached ruyi, my director for an internship and somehow or another, I ended up being her assistant director. She was encouraging and told me that i could learn alot on set and seeing my passion, she said she believed in me that i could handle it and that it would be great to have me on the team.
Alright, thing is, i thought assistant director was not that bad.... i thought it would be like how it was in school which seemed really simple. guess what! the clouds fell.... it stormed. Its nothing near simple and easy! It was like a hell lot more harder then i thought. Don't get me wrong... i don't hate my job. I actually love it. But it just came too sudden as a shock to me and i'm really trying my best.
She was indeed right when she said that i would be able to learn a lot of things on set. Cause i feel like i'm thrown into the deep end and have to learn how to swim and i think although i am not experienced, i managed to pull it off pretty well. So well that my producer thought i was like a 3rd year student but actually i'm a 1st year student who is 3 mths in the course so far.
So why did my friend have to make such a comment. What kinda friend does that?! I don't blame him... maybe he didn't mean it that way... maybe he was really being a good friend who is honest and true to me and i really appreciate it. however i suppose i didn't wanna tell him how that hurt me. I could really use some encouragement then. it still kinda pierced my heart really. Like really deep and dashed my confidence.
However Zen came to the rescue and pulled me up by a bit. Zen is my classmate who well is one of the trusted fellows i have in class so far. He that really got me on my feet and i was motivated to proof myself good. I wanna do my best and let this big project be a success cause that would really help me with my confidence and add more drive to my fire of passion for the course as i'm not driven by money or talent but i'm driven always by passion. Most of the time i can't do it all on my own but God always never fail to put people in my life to pull me on the race and tell me that nothing is impossible that all i need is more fuel each time to get me going. yup! don't mind my analogy. the theory of it all always gets out of hand. ah wells.....
ok this is getting too long.... i will work on my ytd feelings on the next entry.
till then ( which is in a few minutes)....
with much much love, Jesselene
my memories ;
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
9:00 AM
Just a bunch of thoughts.
I miss someone today. I miss the talks we had. I miss the chats we had. I miss the ideas we shared. I miss the fun we get. I miss ya laughter. I miss you bullying me. I miss you loving me. I miss you knowing me. I just miss all of you. Every single bit.
But life consumes us. This reminds me of the song plainsunset...
It goes something like this.
When the rises again, i'll be there for you my friend. And i'll be there, looking over ya shoulder......do you miss me the way i miss you..... I wish that, you'll miss me, the way that i miss you.
Ok. Thoughts noted down. I'm tired. Good night.
Love you. Jesselene.
my memories ;
Friday, November 20, 2009
9:24 PM
Butterfly Fly Away Artist(Band):Billy Ray Cyrus Album: BACK TO TENNESSEE.
I would start with that video! I loved it and i'm planning to do a cover...needed someone to duet with though! hahaha. Below's the lyrics.
[Miley] You tucked me in Turned out the light Keep me safe and sound at night Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair Had to drive me everywhere You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone Make a living, make a home Must have been as hard as it could be
And when I couldn't sleep at night Scared things wouldn't turn out right You would hold my hand and sing to me
[Both] Caterpillar in the tree How you wonder who you'll be Can't go far but you can always dream Wish you may and wish you might Don't you worry hold on tight I promise you there will come a day Butterfly Fly Away
[Billy Ray] I turned around and you were there The two of us made quite a bet Daddy's little girl was here at last (oh yeah) Looked away and back again Suddenly you was ten Don't know how it got so far so fast And you still don't understand It's not anything we planned Gotta makes you think it's ment to be (it's a destiny) I always knew the day would come You would stop crawling and start to run Beautiful as beautiful can be
[Both] Caterpillar in the tree How you wonder who you'll be Can't go far but you can always dream Wish you may and wish you might Don't you worry hold on tight I promise you there will come a day Butterfly Fly Away Butterfly Fly Away ([Billy Ray] Butterfly fly away)
[Miley] Spread your wings now you can't stay
[Both] Take those dreams and make them all come true Butterfly Fly Away ([Billy Ray] Butterfly fly away) We been waiting for this day All along and know just what to do Butterfly, Butterfly, Butterfly Butterfly Fly Away Butterfly Fly Away
[Billy Ray] I hope you find your way Of all the things you wish for love and care about
Today i woke up late and enjoyed my sleep. I had a dream last night of my lecturer and i was all apologetic about not doing my essay well and not putting in enough effort in all my work due to my personal problems. I think i had that dream due to a talk i had with a rather good friend from class regarding my status in class of how i am not always with the people i once thought i was close to.
Honestly i have no idea of what happened to us and as much as i would love to find out what happened to us, no one is talking and all i could do now is try not to step on their tails twice. Not that there is a once but probably that is. I mean i think people move on and although my good friend told me that it was just an excuse, i wanna delude myself and look at it as a reason.
LESSON OF THE WEEK>>>>>
So yeah! I mean i have learned a lesson of not to let myself be too close to anyone. Cause it would hurt me so if anything was to happen. And as what my Late Godma Betty would say... Jesselene is a child that has to get her fingers burnt before she learns her lesson. Well, as that thought came to me last night, I looked into the sky and teared, Godma still knew me the best so far before i even figured it out. I miss her though.... i wish she was still alive.... I remember just running to her as a child and hugging her legs as she bent down and embraced me in her arms.... I love you Godma! i really miss you but i know you're in heaven! You have to be.... you're an angel!
Anyway this is what happens when i write... when i let my thoughts flow.. i do digress and back i'm here again.
I let myself be close to my babygirl Yings and when i lost contact with her, I knew that i loved her closer than a sister but life gets a hold of us and we kinda drifted. Things happened and i can easily say that we are not even close to the word close as all! We could be strangers but yet there is a bond that i know if i was in trouble, she would come and take care of me. I still love her though but i was really sad at this fact that we are not close anymore.
I was close to a bunch of friends that i held close and they were the brothers i never had but that disappeared too.... They loved me and pampered my like a little sister and i always liked that feeling because i never was pampered and i never really felt that love as much at home. But that disappeared as life moved on and well..... Bang! That was another sad thing.
I was close to my classmates last year and we were so happy... doing the stupidest things one can imagine but POOF! that went away too when i was the only one who went into film.
I was close to a bunch in film and i thought that this was it! This was the people that i would be hanging around with in school for the next two to three years but that disappeared too! Something happened and i have not knowledge of what. you can say "Jesselene why don't you ask?!" trust me! I have alrd done that! However no response was given.
It took me so long to even realized that i was repeating my mistake again and again like a blind dog. And i think somehow i would still repeat this cycle. Ask me why and i would tell you! That makes me ME! i have no idea why! I always love LOVE. i caps it because i meant it as the word. I love very easily and i guess that makes me always receive and feel emotional hurt. People would call me sensitive but i suppose that makes me who i am. I can never really hate one for too long unless it has scarred me deeply and as much as i want to muster the strength to forgive, it can take a couple of years to a decade.
ANYWAYSSSSS.......
BACK TO MY HAPPY MOOD TODAY!!!!
i was kinda bored so i picked up my remote control to the TV and turned on mio and watched something that i never thought i would have watched.... you guess??? ITS THE HANNAH MONTANA MOVIEEEEE......
I'm not being childish or whatsoever.... But i can say i liked it... It had a good story and it made me happy! The song above???? Was from there! It made me wanna go..."Howday!!! Take me to the country baby and we'll go horse riding to the mountains and watch the sun till mid day. You'll be with your guitar and we'll sing till evening. and take a nice stroll back to the stables."
A girl can dream can't she??? I meant me. To me the film was like doing an autobiography. Something which i have already done but this made me feel more than just happy.... it took me to the depths and up again. This is why i would call it a success.....
- to be continued as this was a post of a few weeks back! hahaha.....
my memories ;
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
6:06 AM
Let me start with this Vid. An awesome song that i found posted by a friend on facebook! Got it stuck in my head and now i'm wanting to do a duet with someone. I'm still in search for the right person i can start to duet with and write songs with! its my dream. And i really wish for it to come true. Really! i have yet to find that someone.... sigh...
God send me the right guy! ok sounds wrong but send me the right person that i can have the same level of connection in this field... know what is ideal??? to write and direct films and when a project is done, i still can relax and sing my heart away at the pubs and bars. Wouldn't it be just so lovely... Gig and films and just enjoying the wonders of life. That would be heaven for me. i mean here on earth. Here's another lovely song.... i'm not desperate but i wanna find someone to write and sing with.
Ah wells. In love with a dream. Sigh.... Shy that way!
Anyway here's my updates.
I'm in KL now and i'm not exactly enjoying myself but i am loving the little things in life. Here's a few things i love here and would make me miss this moments as i hate going back to reality.
1) I love just standing under the rain-shower and letting the water run over my naked body. And closing my eyes enjoying that surreal moment of listening to the echoing of the sound of running water from the wide shower head to the tippy tappy on the marble floor. OH with the touch of near hot water as it caresses my skin top to bottom. I can live with that really everyday, I know people will say... i'm the cause of the lack of water in this world. HACK! water takes up like most of the surface area of the world. But yes i know its the money concern! gee..... ah wells... living life like there's no tmr. The world is fortunate that i don't have a rain shower back home. only in this hotel.
2) After that lovely running of water..... there is a bathtub next to the shower in the toilet of this hotel and coming out and having a nice dip in the warm to hot tub of water is the best. Soaking there and pinching my nose going underwater. It feels so great. All i hear is the streaming of water and my heartbeat. Awesomeness..... all my busy thoughts go blank (shuts up) and i can think. i can relax after a few dips and feel like falling asleep in the tub but then it hits me.... there are others who needs a bathe too so i would have to get out after awhile and dry myself. hahaha.... shivers would be sent down my spine as i exit the bathroom in my boxers and sleeveless t-shirt into the chilly air conditioned bedroom. haha...
By the time you finish reading that i hope you didn't go all visual on me. Its just these little things in life that i appreciate and take full advantage of in hotels.... or even when i'm away on holidays....
3) I love jumping flat unto the bed and sinking my face into the nice feather-filled pillows. The cold sheets warming under my body! Ah the love of just rolling and tumbling on the queen size bed. hahaha of cause i share it with my mum but still today i was left alone on my bed when she was out. hahaha. then of cause you could have predicted i fell asleep with my dream catcher next to me.
ok so now you would have thought.... Jesselene is enjoying the hotel room more than the shopping. YES I AM!!!! the hotel seems so much more appealing to me really.... KL doesn't have much sights and sounds. hahaha. SO i LOVE LOVE LOVE the hotel.
Today i bought a book that was simply lovely and i read it all by late afternoon. In like 5 hours??? thats so amazing right? Its written by James Peterson! I forgot the title. Its about a girl who could never forget her imaginary friend even though he left her when she reached the age of nine. And she meets him for real when she is much much older and finds out that he is her true love of her life and yeah.I shouldn't spill too much of the story cause its awesome and you should go check it out. If this writer is alive in six to eight years time i would love to make his story into a film if he permits. Six to eight years gives me time to still make it in the industry. =) Hopefully!
ANYWAYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy...... can the "y" get any smaller??? chey! no fun! hahaha. ok anyway.... yeah i spent the while time alone in the room reading and stuff.... i love such times. so yes! NOW LETS SEE WHAT I BOUGHT.....
1) A film pendant which looks awesome. i love film without all the political shit! hahaha so that is my motivations.
2) A DREAM CATCHER TO WEAR ON MY NECK! YAY.....love love dream catchers and wind chimes. i'm a bohemian girly with a taste of some Rastafarian stuff. hehe. honey don't judge me... don't judge this beauty baby! you know her not!
3) I bought the book i told you about.
4) Hand accessory ???? still the bohemian baby you know.
what else is there???? nothing much.... today is my last day so yeah...i drag going home. I wanna another few more days here. Alrights gotta log off now.... before i nagged away from the com. hahahaa..... update soon! love you all
And i'm missing a few people this minute. I'm missing, Lyana and Madinah I'm missing Nabilah and Azlyn and Syaf I'm missing Yings and shanker and the bunch of guys.
I'm missing.... the one from my dreams which i had a few weeks back and i want him to visit me again cause it made me happy! it made me not wanna wake up because he was awesome. hahaha