HOLA,
I've been thinking quite a lot about this guy i met randomly at a festival market one day.
I know i draw myself a bubble of trying so hard not to show it but i think i do quite a lot.
I wish there was something about him that i can say i hate and that would make it so much easier for me to forget that he is worth liking. Its just his personality, his voice and the fact that he is so charming and innocent enough. Plus he is one of the few virgins i actually know. Ok that seems like i'm on a virgin scout but seriously. He has what i see in a guy. Probably because he met the mark that SW has engraved in my heart. What can i say that is bad about him except that he lied to me ytd.
No that didn't make me angry. It just made me sad of why he did that. Maybe he really likes her?! I kinda suspected. He chases me off by going "nytnyt" and i feel so horrendous. I feel unwanted. I feel like a nuisance and he probably is regretting ever to hop onto my project. He should have known earlier. I can't make it up to him cause he won't let me. He will think its my excuse of wanting to ask him out. when in fact i feel so sorry for even having him there. He should not have said yes no matter how nice he is.
Ok so i accept the fact that i would not be able to have him as my man. Never in my dreams Never ever.
I build so much philosophies about love and how i feel about it but when i actually face it, i am kept to being in denial and also within and what i call - fear. Fear of rejection and lack of boldness to even step out and try. I have so many questions and i hate being those insecure woman! It does not work that way. I tell Amanda Yu and even my best friend what love should be like but am i in fact the one calling the kettle black??
Should i use this so called "emo-ness" and channel it to writing music and doing a few songs that could birth out of these experiences? Or should i just keep thinking about it and feeling all sorry for myself that i'll never ever be able to get the right guy?! Should i be letting God take care of such things that only he can control? Maybe i should just leave it at his feet and let him do whatever with my heart. I know he sees my desire but he has more plans for me that i would not even imagine.
So yes i should really give up on this guy and know that we can never happen. I should really start focusing on what is good and what should be done. relationships that are meant to be two way and stuff would happen in its own time. No point rushing it really. Just let it be. The shoot is over so i should really thank God that i would not be seeing him at all. I should definitely keep myself from contacting him. Unless its really really needed. Like the project or the job.
This sucks really but i know i can focus on other things if i will myself to. Tonight it would be just going to cell and spending time with God, then head home for some sleep. Wake up tmr early and head to church, plus try to do some work if possible during lunch break or even tea break. Sunday would be a day of making props. Which is kinda hard but i'll pull through. I wish i could put this on my blog but my classmates would definitely know what is going through in my mind and start being retarded. Ok. i should rest before i reach i think. planning to get dom chocies! :D i know he'll like it The boy loves chocolate and i miss him. Yup i've decided. thought with little money, I'll get him chocs. Its my way of saying i miss them and love them a lot. yup.
ok so here i'll state.
CG I'M GIVING UP ON LOVING YOU, I'M GIVING UP ON THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE NOT IMPT TO ME, YOU DON'T AFFECT ME AND YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER MAN WHO PASSES BY MY LIFE. YOU CREATED GOOD MEMORIES, I DON'T DENY. BUT AS I CAN NEVER HAVE THE SAME LOVE FROM YOU, I DON'T WANNA LET MYSELF DROWN FURTHER. YOU'RE AWESOME AND A BLESSING BUT I REALLY NEED TO SAY THIS. - GOOD BYE CG."
with much sadness, confusion, anger, tiredness and LOVE,
Jesse. - written while on the bus. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.