I RANT
Thursday, July 10, 2008
2:53 AM
Wow! i Guess i haven't really updated at all recently huh?? maybe cause there's so much things to say that i don't know where to start and when i do I'm afraid i never get to finish till the end so i guess I'll just update and try to summarize my thoughts.
The past few days have been really indescribable! Yes INDESCRIBABLE! Why? Because i can't find any word for it.
One of my dearest friend's mum just passed away. She was not really someone close to me. I only met her like what??!!! 7 times in total? But yet after these few days, my heart aches as i know she is gone! i wish i got to know her in person!
Shannon Is my dear friend and neighbor. I got to know him through Serve program 2 years ago. We got closer as he was from my group in Serve and also because he lives super near me. Like a pathway away. so yup you get the main idea!
Anyway, one common thing that both of us had were mothers that are suffering from Breast Cancer that has gone to the last stage. His Mum has had it for the past 6 years and my mum had it and still has it for 3 years now. Guess that was one reason why i thought he was someone i could really relate to. But seeing his mum in the ICU and the pain in my heart was overbearing for me. Like when i saw her and held her hand, i froze, i don't really know why! I mean I'm suppose to be good at things like that, comforting her and praying for her, telling her to hold on and stay strong. But all i did was freeze. My mind when blank! I really really wanted to hug her and cry! Although i hardly knew her i really really wish i could have done that but i was afraid. Of what? i don't know. So i held her hand and yeah froze. Stupid??!!! tell me about it!
When i came out of the room, I kinda had like thoughts running through my head of how my own mum may just end up like that one day! And because so many people have been saying how much i resemble my mum, that makes things worst!
I mean i love the fact that i look like mum but imagine this, you're so sad mum is gone and when you look in the mirror you see her! well thinking of it now, it kinda also works in a way that may be good cause i know that i carry some part of her that no one can take away! Its just really really painful seeing what was going on.
Auntie Mei Lin really aged a lot and lost a lot weight. She looked so different from when i last saw her. The cheeriness and liveliness in her face seemed to have disappeared. Shannon was really devastated and i didn't know what to do besides pray. But yet in my heart, it didn't seem enough. I felt so so useless! I wish i could have done more.
Telling someone to stay strong and that everything is gonna be alright was not what i thought was the right thing to do cause i know how it really feels to lose someone and felt so cheated cause it didn't turn out alright and it was so hard to stay strong. i was the complete opposite from strong when Godma died! i felt as though something in me died with her. Talking about her, i really really miss her a lot till now.
Anyway, to cut the long story short I've learned many many lessons from this experience. I never really gone all out for the wake and funeral, i normally just go for one day or two. But somehow this was different, i also felt different. I really wanted to be there for Shan's family, Even if waking up early sucks and that staying the whole time for the wake from early morning till it was over at night was boring cause i didn't know anyone else besides Shan and his dad! But this experience also taught me things like how listening to someone is important and initiative and humility works hand in hand.
I have always been chatty and i do listen but i have to admit, i never listened to someone as much i have for the last 1 week. And its amazing how much you can learn about someone by just listening to them. I mean Shannon has been talking so much about his mother. He really adores her and is very proud of her. And even though i hardly knew her, my heart went out to her, i fell in love with the person she was and i am really really sad about her death. (And i couldn't tell shan that! He was sad enough)
If God only gave me a chance to know her in person. She was the true meaning of beautiful. Both inside and out. An Angel and blessing she has been to so many people.
During the whole duration of the wake, I've seen many many people walk in with testimonies about her and none with any remarks that were just out of comfort or courtesy. Most of it was from the heart. another thing that got me thinking was about my life. If i ever was to die one day, will my life be a testimony of how God works? or will people just come for the sake of coming than leave? what will i leave behind? people who hate me for who i am or people who love me because God shined in me? So yeah! I'm gonna write a song about Shan's mum and dedicate it to her, I hope the guys would help me in this. And also, I made it a point to listen to people and catch up with those who i have not seen in a long time. taking the time to bless other people and praying for them in any way i can. That includes spending the time left i have with my mum and treasuring her.
I hope this enthusiasm can last forever and yes I'm posting it here so i would not forget! If you're reading this it'll help if you always remind me about it! I'll really appreciate it.
Auntie Mei Lin set an example for me and yes she is one beautiful lady which i have grown to respect just hearing about her.
That's my thought for now....I've got lots to sort out! schools starting soon too! so yup! till next time.
Adios!
Te Quiero,
Jesselene
my memories ;