I have to Write! I cannot not write down my thoughts. I'll just explode. I don't have any idea what may come out but i guess i really need a space to blah it all out.

I'm just so frustrated at what's going on in life. School, my friends, my family, my cell group, church and even myself.

Its come to a point that i ask myself. Is it me? am i the problem??? Why doesn't it seem that anyone else is going through it. I mean i hate being broke all the time. The stupid money status of my life. I'm not asking to be rich. All I'm asking is to be in a state where i can think about everything instead of money money money money!

Like half the time I'm broke although people may not see it and well i compliment myself as a really good actress. And when i come home, i hear about bills, debts and about all sorts of things. when is it all gonna stop???

Half the time i go out i see something that is what i really like, a tiny thought would crop into my head and say "jesselene you have no money! no point asking mum or dad. You'll just gonna get another hearing. if not, mommy will start pawning jewelery again." And it hurts real bad knowing that my mum is pawning all the things mattered a lot to her. But how can i help??? i meaning school i try my best not to eat or snack too much. I hardly buy things for myself. I think i spend more on people than myself. I guess there's only a certain percent that we can actually go ahead and bless.....

I need a laptop currently cause its really driving me nuts having to come home to do my work and work late into the nights plus all the other inconveniences. But can i ask my parents for it??? NO! i can't cause i know they would not be able to afford it.

I needed a cam but i was too afraid to ask so i kept borrowing and thought of renting cause i can't always borrow as my classmates need their cams for their projects as well so i asked if i could just rent. My dad the calculations and thought that an investment would be much better compared to the amount of renting every now and then. So yes. I kept wondering where he got the money to get it and guess what! End up i found out that he is in debt because of it. I feel bad yes but what can i say now. Yes i appreciate it but half the time when i go out, it does not make me a proud owner of the cam when people ask about where i got the money to get the cam. I mean indeed my dad blessed me with it but would the world be able to look at it in that aspect?

I don't care if its Christians or not. I have my fair share of some christians who are plain liars and heartless pieces of crap! yes i know i don't have any right to judge but hack! this is how i feel now. They go to church eveyr week and they wouldn't even look us in the eye. What kinda cell mates are they??? And my parents are struggling to even go to church in fear that they may just bump into them. I shall not relate out the whole story as it may becom disrespect to my parents' personal space. Half the time my parents are like heys don't bring the cam, don't eat expensive and what's not. WHY? because PEOPLE ARE WATCHING..... yeah because they are watching. Does that mean then i have to always live like a Beggar?

I'm not mocking beggars. they are fine. I meant that's life as we know it and sometimes as much as we want play saviour of the world, we just can't.

I can literally memorize all the phrases used at home because of money and it comes to a point that we just break. Into anger, rage , hurt and sadness. I have yet to understand why this has to happen to my family. What have we done wrong midway. WHAT???!!! i wish i could rewind time to where i was born and when all things was still bright and beautiful and i can rmb being such a happy child and a ball of sunshine to everyone i met. I was so confident and sure of myself. Then what happened??? i BECAME HOW I AM TODAY.

I won't say its a good thing nor would i say its a bad thing. It just sucks to certain extend. I just hate the way things are. I hate it that my dad has gone into depression. I hate it that my mum is suffering. I hate it that my bro has to mature fast because of the situations at home. Its sad he never really had a fun childhood or teenage years like any other boy because our family is different. I hate it that i have lost my confidence and my life to what i have became.

Sure i have grown spiritually mature, but sometimes....i really wanna be a kid again. I wanna run around free like a bird. I would know not what money is, I would just play. I would have people telling me i would a man killer and that i was the most beautiful thing that happened to the world. but then,..... that has all disappeared. Is it because of me??? Am i a disappointment??? am i???

I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. I know music but i don't. i know art but i don't. i know everything but i don't. and i am smart but i am not. Am i confusing you? but that's how i feel. Its so unfair sometimes. I wish life took a different turn. I really want a breakthrough this Christmas. If only God would hear my cry and grant me this wish. I don't want to have lots of gifts or fakeness. I just want to be happy everyday. I want to be worry-free. I just wanna feel loved everyday instead of having to psycho myself to be happy. Its getting more and more tiring each day.

Who can i talk to? here??? even here, there's a limit. cause i have to be careful. And to God??? yeah sure but i guess its just different. I used to have a best friend but i guess she disappeared when we grew up and went our separate ways??? do i have a close bunch of friends?? yeah i do i suppose but they have gone with the wind. Is it their fault? NO! its not. cause that's life. What can i say? I'm just unhappy about it.


Today i hurt my mum with my words and actions.... who else have i hurt??? how can i just go up and sing as if everything is ok? how can i say its a happy day? I feel so unclean unside. So lost i can't continue. Till than people. Pray for me. Its getting really hard to stay on track. what you read here is only like 3 percent of what actually is like now.

I"m just so lost.

Jesselene.